How to Survive a Horror Movie

How to Survive a Horror Movie by Seth Grahame-Smith

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The author of “Abraham Lincoln - Vampire Slayer” asks the question, “what if you suddenly find yourself in a horror movie? What should you do?”

If you find yourself at a summer camp which has a dodgy history or buying a house sitting on an Indian graveyard, you should pay close attention.

Grahame-Smith runs his premise through various horror sub-genres and horror tropes in a fairly straightforward way. Some of his observations are subversive; others are funny. I loved his “ejection seat” sections where he suggests how to “flip the script” on the horror director/writer. For example, Grahame-Smith suggests that you flee to a mall. Since horror film budgets are so low that they could not afford renting out the mall, you should be safe.

Or you could employ product placement:

“EJECTION SEAT #3 is the Awkward Product Placement. What's the hero's favorite beer? Chances are, the brand that's just written a big check to the producers. Product placement is a much-loved means of padding a movie's budget, but the filmmakers usually take great care to keep it subtle. After all, you can't have your characters making obvious pitches. If you find yourself cornered by a horror villain, try buying precious time with the clumsiest, cheesiest advertisement you can imagine.
Doing so will confuse your attacker, and maybe—just maybe—allow you to escape.
YOU:You can crush my skull, but you can't crush my thirst... (turn to imaginary camera) The way a refreshing Blue Bird Cola can!
YOU: There's no need to clean out my bowels with that machete! Just use... (turn to imaginary camera) Gut Grease natural laxative—the brand trusted by more astronauts!”

It's worth a try.