Maybe You Should Talk to Someone

I haven't seen Wendell for two weeks—I'd assumed his being out of the office meant that he was on vacation, maybe even at the cabin from his childhood with his large extended family. I had imagined all of his siblings and nieces and nephews I'd discovered online and tried to picture Wendell with them, goofing around with his kids or kicking back with a beer by the lake.

I had to go back to read it again to make sure I'm not missing something. The answer is nope, I still stand by mind original opinion.

Look I get it, the idea is appealing. Psychologist weaves patient stories with ones about her own development. She also seems like she cares a lot about her patients. However, a lot of things she said make me feel like she talks the talk but doesn't walk the walk. On the surface she preaches a lot of the good principles of counseling. She is a strange combo of someone who knows all the good principle yet is ignorant of them at the same time. Sometimes she seemed genuine. Other times all I could see insecurities fueling extreme behaviors.

In practice, her thought processes and behavior are rather dubious. And not because she can't have faults, she's only human after all but because she lacks of self-awareness at an alarming level for someone of her age and job specialty.

1. She's too proud of using the term ‘idiot compassion'. Firstly, it's an offensive, arrogant term. Secondly, it's not in good taste for professionals to get used to using this word. Most people didn't go to school to understand the ‘wise compassion' so don't be so cocky about it. There are several examples where her arrogance flares up but this one was really grating. Also insert here some humble bragging. Job in Hollywood as a TV writer right after college. Drops of said job and enrolls to become a doctor. Drops medical school to become a writer. Enrolls to become a therapist. Makes baby to raise alone. How many people can relate to uprooting your life and go chasing after your dreams on a whim without little fear of where the money is coming from? Did I mention she went both times to Ivy League schools?

2. Her relationship with her ex. There's no prescription on how to deal with a break-up but the way she wrote about doesn't paint a good picture. Presumably she's had some time to process it by the time she wrote this book yet it's clear she's still very much bitter about it and keeps trying to paint it as a bad guy while taking very little responsibility. In the beginning she keep's calling him a sociopath and throughout the book she keeps referring to him as “Boyfriend”. I kept waiting patiently for her to come around and give us more details about their relationship so it would be more obviously why she was so angry at him but she's stingy with the details. I can't remember exactly what she said but there was a point when she was talking about him when I realized it was never about him at all. Their relationship was all about her, that's why he doesn't even deserve even a fake name, he's just ‘boyfriend' and he existed to complete her. I found out she even wrote a book about settling for the ‘good enough' guy, which is very telling in itself. This is a part of her life she encountered great difficulties and she doesn't seem ready to accept she might have so deeply rooted issues over it. At some point she acknowledges, following her therapy with Wendell that she was in denial about her failing relationship with her ex yet she brushes of this so quickly. It was strange to this being wrapped up in a couple of paragraphs when she dedicated so space to it in the beginning.

3. Boundaries. Her boundaries are compromised and there's no acknowledgement about that. She cyber-stalks people, scouring for info. She googles obsessively her ex, her therapist and his family, her patients. Who knows how many other people she's done this to. It's not about being curious. It's about realizing that it can become a sickening habit that's not healthy to fuel. What she's doing is not benign. Also it's connected to her over-the-top need to connect to people. To know them even when it's not her right to know. There's no good reason to research Wendell's private life. Or her patients. She gets lost in train of thoughts that frankly scare me. She mentions picturing her therapist on vacation with his kids and their cousins. She pictures patients in their private moments. Her reaction to Wendell's office and look makeover was so out of proportion. She feels entitled to do this all in the name of connecting to people. No it's not connecting. It's overwriting boundaries that need to be there for a reason. You're not entitled to invade people's privacy because you feel like it.

There's a conversation she had with Wendell that made me worried that most of the accounts in the book might be fake. First, he tells her it's OK she stalked him on Google. Not even a slight hesitation. Then offers to dance with her. Really? What sane therapist blurs the lines like that? Doctor-patient rules exist for a reason. Patients you are currently treating are not your friends. Doctors are discouraged from treating their families and close friends. Why? Because it's dangerous and unethical.

There is either an obvious problem with how therapist's get their license in Hollywood or she made up that conversation. I missed it the first time but this time it jumped out reading it.

5. She is all but consumed about the possibly that people might not like her. She obsesses whether her therapist likes her, she even asks him, the same with her patients. And probably the reason why at her age she still doesn't have a stable relationships. So why would I, an average Joe, want to be treated by someone who has this huge issue with validation. Her need to be liked might interfere with a patients treatment so much that she might screw them up even more.

4. Her relationship with her patients. She researches them on Google, she crosses boundaries over and over in the ways she relates to them. She compares a patient's trauma of dying of cancer with her being dumped. Yeah, each person's suffering is valid and important but why would make someone's dying about you breaking up with someone you dated for two years. Tone-deaf dick move. There is some nuance in suffering. I wouldn't encourage people to feel like it's ok to lose their mind because they couldn't afford that Gucci bag. She also obsesses over the idea of being seen by her patients out of the office. She has these hard rules about what to say, what to buy in public just in case one of her patients might see her and drop her as their counselor. I'd think this level of paranoia needs to investigated.

4. Another thing that made me question again the validity of the memoir was her patient John. She describes John as a narcissist. She actually makes it his diagnosis. Later, we discover he is like that because he went through a trauma and becomes a better man over night. Which is it? Being a narcissist doesn't really fit into the all consuming guilt John felt. Either his story is made up or this therapist's assessment skills are bullshit.

No every book is for everyone. I personally couldn't get passed the reg flags in here. For me her professionalism is questionable because A. she needs to attend more therapy herself because she's still not in a good place in quite a few important aspects or B. this book was mostly made up and written just as a cash grab since she spent the advance for another book she didn't end up writing and therefore owing the publisher a lot of money. But if it gets people to feel less lonely and into therapy it's all good. Hopefully they'll get a doctor who's as caring as she is but way less of a mess, who respects healthy boundaries.

Original review.

Follow your envy - it shows you what you want.

We tend to think that the future happens later, but we're creating it in our minds every day. When the present falls apart, so does the future we had associated with it. Peace. it does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. it means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.Don't judge your feelings; notice them. Use them as your map. Don't be afraid of the truth.Avoidance is a simple way of coping by not having to cope.The opposite of depression isn't happiness, but vitality.In therapy we aim for self-compassion (Am I human?) versus self-esteem (a judgment: Am I good or bad?).