My Dark Vanessa

This book is a punch to the gut. It almost put me into a hysteria. My mind and heart were racing simultaneously every time I had to put the book down to catch my breath. It made me realise just how much I need therapy. Long term, intense fucking therapy. I found myself occasionally caught between the acts of bursting into manic laughter or breaking down into hysterical tears. It's like ripping open an old wound and suddenly you're aware of the festering blood, the smell of infection the plaster has been covering up for years. The lock has been undone and now, like Pandora's box, the demons are spilling out and you can't tear your eyes away, mesmerised and afraid but waiting for the flutter of hope only to stare into a dank, obscene wound that you honestly thought a plaster was going to fix.

You know the way men have that thousand yard stare when they return alive from a battle in war? The way any Hollywood movies shows the protagonists surviving D-Day, Okinawa or Bastogne? That's how I look after putting this book down to take a break. I'm in the room but I'm not present, I'm floating above and beyond and I don't know where that place is but I've been there before. There was honestly a part of me that thought I should just put the book down now and leave it, there at page 199. But what justice is that for Vanessa, for Dolores or for me? What good is it not to get closure? No matter how small or large, true or false. Because we all know this is fiction but it's absolutely the realest thing I've ever read. The only fiction is the names and dates and places put together.

How many girls in the world could read this book and say “yeah, this is real. This is me. This is my friend, this is my mother, this is her or she or them. I know her. I am her.” While simultaneously anyone else could read this book and say “I know him. I've met him. He's my friend. My father, my uncle, my teacher, my coach, my boyfriend. A stranger. My husband. My brother. Myself.” Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

Alexa play “I'm So Sick” by Flyleaf.