The Good Life

The Good Life draws on what has been learned from the world's longest scientific study of happiness, the Harvard Study of Adult Development, to help people use that information to create a good life for themselves. The study began over eighty years ago, and is ongoing today. Instead of looking at what goes wrong in people's lives, this study chose to concentrate on the factors that make for a good life.

The authors begin the book by asking a question: If you had to make one life choice, right now, to set yourself on the path to future health and happiness, what would it be?

That gets you thinking, doesn't it?

And what is the answer? Here is what the authors say:

“For eighty-four years (and counting), the Harvard Study has tracked the same individuals, asking thousands of questions and taking hundreds of measurements to find out what really keeps people healthy and happy. Through all the years of studying these lives, one crucial factor stands out for the consistency and power of its ties to physical health, mental health, and longevity. Contrary to what many people might think, it's not career achievement, or exercise, or a healthy diet. Don't get us wrong; these things matter (a lot). But one thing continuously demonstrates its broad and enduring importance: Good relationships. In fact, good relationships are significant enough that if we had to take all eighty-four years of the Harvard Study and boil it down to a single principle for living, one life investment that is supported by similar findings across a wide variety of other studies, it would be this: Good relationships keep us healthier and happier. Period.”

Waldinger, Robert J.; Schulz Ph.D, Marc . The Good Life: Lessons from the World's Longest Scientific Study of Happiness (p. 10). Simon & Schuster. Kindle Edition.


The rest of the book deals with ways to build better relationships.

I think this study and this book are fantastic tools, tools we urgently need in our world. If you have any interest in having a better world or a happier life, I strongly recommend this book to you.


Here are a few more of my takeaways from this book...


“Recent research has shown that for older people loneliness is twice as unhealthy as obesity, and chronic loneliness increases a person's odds of death in any given year by 26 percent.”

Waldinger, Robert J.; Schulz Ph.D, Marc . The Good Life: Lessons from the World's Longest Scientific Study of Happiness (pp. 92-93). Simon & Schuster. Kindle Edition.


“In the United States, a 2018 study suggested that three out of four adults felt moderate to high levels of loneliness.” (My note: And this was before the pandemic!)

Waldinger, Robert J.; Schulz Ph.D, Marc . The Good Life: Lessons from the World's Longest Scientific Study of Happiness (p. 93). Simon & Schuster. Kindle Edition.


“Our strongest feelings emerge from our connections with other people, and while the social world is filled with pleasures and meaning, it also contains doses of disappointment and pain. We get hurt by the people we love. We feel the sting when they disappoint us or leave us, and the emptiness when they die. The impulse to avoid these negative experiences in relationships makes sense. But if we want the benefits of being involved with other people, we have to tolerate a certain amount of risk.”

Waldinger, Robert J.; Schulz Ph.D, Marc . The Good Life: Lessons from the World's Longest Scientific Study of Happiness (p. 112). Simon & Schuster. Kindle Edition.


“Curiosity—real, deep curiosity about what others are experiencing—goes a long way in important relationships. It opens up avenues of conversation and knowledge that we never knew were there. It helps others feel understood and appreciated. It's important even in less significant relationships, where it can set a precedent of caring and increase the strength of new, fragile bonds.”

Waldinger, Robert J.; Schulz Ph.D, Marc . The Good Life: Lessons from the World's Longest Scientific Study of Happiness (p. 113). Simon & Schuster. Kindle Edition.


“...research...shows...some of the natural outgrowths of focused attention: reciprocal love and consideration, a sense of belonging, and positive feeling about human relationships in general—which then leads to more positive relationships, and better health.”

Waldinger, Robert J.; Schulz Ph.D, Marc . The Good Life: Lessons from the World's Longest Scientific Study of Happiness (p. 137). Simon & Schuster. Kindle Edition.


“It's one of the great ironies of life—and the subject of millions of songs, films, and great works of literature—that the people who make us feel the most alive and who know us best are also the people able to hurt us most.”

Waldinger, Robert J.; Schulz Ph.D, Marc . The Good Life: Lessons from the World's Longest Scientific Study of Happiness (p. 141). Simon & Schuster. Kindle Edition.


“It's often easier to turn away than it is to confront what troubles us. But doing so can have unintended consequences, and the effect of avoidance can be especially pronounced in the place it happens most: our personal relationships. Many studies have shown that when we avoid confronting challenges in a relationship, not only does the problem not go away, but it can get worse.”

Waldinger, Robert J.; Schulz Ph.D, Marc . The Good Life: Lessons from the World's Longest Scientific Study of Happiness (p. 146). Simon & Schuster. Kindle Edition.


“The model that follows provides a way for you to slow your reactions and put them under a microscope. We offer it as something you can keep in your back pocket (metaphorically) and use anytime, for any emotional situation.”

Waldinger, Robert J.; Schulz Ph.D, Marc . The Good Life: Lessons from the World's Longest Scientific Study of Happiness (p. 149). Simon & Schuster. Kindle Edition.


“The W.I.S.E.R. Model of Reacting to Emotionally Challenging Situations and Relationship Events:

Stage One: Watch.
Watch refers to the entire situation: the environment, the person you're interacting with, and you. Is the situation unusual or common? What typically happens next? What have I not considered that might be an important part of what is unfolding?

Stage Two: Interpret
This is the stage where things often go wrong. Just asking the question—What is it I'm assuming here?—can bring what looks like a mountain closer into line with its molehill reality. Assumptions are the source of an incredible amount of misunderstanding. As the old saying goes, Never assume, because when you assume, you make an ass of u and me. But it's also possible to err in the opposite direction and make true mountains into molehills...

Stage Three: Select
Now the question becomes: What should I do? Slowing down can allow us to consider possibilities and think about the likelihood of success for those possibilities...The key is to try to slow things down where you can, zoom in, and move from a fully automatic response to a more considered and purposeful response that aligns with who you are and what you are seeking to accomplish.

Stage Four: Engage (Implementing with Care)
Even the most logical response can fail if we do a poor job implementing that strategy. Practice—either in our minds or running it by a trusted confidant—can help. Chances of success also increase if we first reflect on what we do well and what we don't do so well.

Stage Five: Reflect
How did that work out? Did I make things better or worse? Have I learned something new about the challenge I'm facing and about the best response?

Waldinger, Robert J.; Schulz Ph.D, Marc . The Good Life: Lessons from the World's Longest Scientific Study of Happiness. Simon & Schuster. Kindle Edition.


“Not every type of emotion is equally predictive of the health of a relationship, however. Some are particularly important, and in our study, two categories of emotion stood out: Empathy and affection.”

Waldinger, Robert J.; Schulz Ph.D, Marc . The Good Life: Lessons from the World's Longest Scientific Study of Happiness (p. 177). Simon & Schuster. Kindle Edition.


“These missteps are not failures or signs that dancing together is impossible. Instead, they are opportunities to learn...In the end, what matters most are not the challenges we face in relationships, but how we manage them.”

Waldinger, Robert J.; Schulz Ph.D, Marc . The Good Life: Lessons from the World's Longest Scientific Study of Happiness (p. 180). Simon & Schuster. Kindle Edition.


‘Whatever the “problem” is, the implication is clear: my partner needs to be fixed. But in reality, there's almost always a deeper, more complex tension within the relationship that the couple has not acknowledged. Discovering that tension usually requires both self-reflection and conversation.'

Waldinger, Robert J.; Schulz Ph.D, Marc . The Good Life: Lessons from the World's Longest Scientific Study of Happiness (p. 181). Simon & Schuster. Kindle Edition.


“The intense feelings that emerge in recurring arguments, however trivial, often come down to one of a few common, but profound concerns. See if any of these ring a bell:
You don't care about me.
I'm working harder at this than you are.
I'm not sure I can trust you.
I'm afraid I'm going to lose you.
You don't think I'm good enough.”

Waldinger, Robert J.; Schulz Ph.D, Marc . The Good Life: Lessons from the World's Longest Scientific Study of Happiness (p. 181). Simon & Schuster. Kindle Edition.


“Mutual, reciprocal vulnerability can lead to stronger and more secure relationships. The ability for partners to trust and be vulnerable with each other—to pause, notice their own and their partner's emotions, and comfortably share their fears—is one of the most powerful relationship skills that a couple can cultivate. It can also relieve a lot of stress, because both partners can get the support they need without having to muster energy in an attempt to be stronger than they really are. If we do manage to cultivate a strong and trusting bond, we're still not out of the woods, because even the best relationships are susceptible to decay. Just as trees need water, intimate relationships are living things, and as the seasons of life pass they can't be left to fend for themselves. They need attention, and nourishment.”

‘There are a few additional techniques that might be useful in that case. One is known as “reflective listening.” It helps us make sure we're hearing correctly what our partner is trying to say, and it shows that we care, that we are trying to empathize. It works like this: First, listen without commenting. Then, try to communicate what you've heard your partner say without judgment...‘

Waldinger, Robert J.; Schulz Ph.D, Marc . The Good Life: Lessons from the World's Longest Scientific Study of Happiness (p. 194). Simon & Schuster. Kindle Edition.


“A second technique that is helpful in its own right and can make reflective listening even more valuable is to offer some understanding of your partner's reasons for a feeling or behavior. The goal is not to point out your brilliance and ability to see things your partner cannot, but to let your partner know that you see them. You want to communicate that it makes sense that she feels this way or that he is behaving in that way, and to nurture that bedrock of empathy and affection that research has shown to be valuable.”

Waldinger, Robert J.; Schulz Ph.D, Marc . The Good Life: Lessons from the World's Longest Scientific Study of Happiness (p. 194). Simon & Schuster. Kindle Edition.


‘A third useful practice is to try to step back a bit from the conversation, a practice that psychologists call “self-distancing,” and look at your experience as if you are watching someone else.'

Waldinger, Robert J.; Schulz Ph.D, Marc . The Good Life: Lessons from the World's Longest Scientific Study of Happiness (p. 194). Simon & Schuster. Kindle Edition.


“...there are a couple of simple (though difficult!) things we can do to encourage our ability to see what's really happening, and thus be more likely to reap the benefits of corrective experience. First, we can tune in to difficult feelings rather than try to ignore them. Second, we can notice when we are having experiences that are more positive than we expected. Third, we can try to “catch” other people when they are behaving well...The final and most powerful approach is simply to remain open to the possibility of people behaving differently than we expect.”

Waldinger, Robert J.; Schulz Ph.D, Marc . The Good Life: Lessons from the World's Longest Scientific Study of Happiness (p. 216). Simon & Schuster. Kindle Edition.


And, shades of Mister Rogers...

“One simple thing we can all do is to notice when we find ourselves wanting someone to be different than they are. We can ask ourselves, What if I just let this person be themselves without passing judgment? How would this moment be different? Recognizing another person for who they are and meeting them where they are can go a long way toward deepening a connection.”

Waldinger, Robert J.; Schulz Ph.D, Marc . The Good Life: Lessons from the World's Longest Scientific Study of Happiness (pp. 219-220). Simon & Schuster. Kindle Edition.