Jasmine

out of all the moshfegh's i've read, I enjoyed (?) this one the most but it's still just, meh. did it help to pull me out of my reading slump? yes, but at what cost?

also, anyone claiming this as a “that girl” book has completely lost their mind. it's literally like saying “omg I aspire to have such horrible anxiety and depression because my parent's neglected me as a child and as a result I have no self confidence, can't form healthy relationships, can't feel an emblem of empathy for others and literally do not want to exist in reality because I have nothing to look forward to in life so what's the purpose of living?”...but go off ig

「 most types of domestic abuse are completely legal 」

this memoir follows the relationship machado had with her abusive girlfriend at the time who tortured her mentally and emotionally. I don't feel like it's “right” to review a memoir tbh, specifically one like this but I will say that I'm grateful that machado felt comfortable to be vulnerable enough to share this tumultuous time in her life with so many people. my rating is really just based on writing and execution

the part that I appreciated the most, next to the beautiful writing and the creative way she structured her memoir, was the research that she put into proving her point being that, specifically in relation to her own situation, lesbian domestic abuse cases aren't taken seriously enough to provide protection for the victim. they're glossed over and considered to just be “two girls/people having a fight” when that's far from the truth. abuse is abuse, regardless of your sexual orientation and gender identity, so I appreciated the amount of historical references and examples that machado used because I learned a lot about how lesbian domestic violence cases have been handled. also how the lack of urgency to stop treating homosexuality and heterosexuality as separate entities when it comes to these situations of abuse. (and look at how most hetero abuse cases are handled...no one seems to care regardless until the person is dead, and even then we don't see a resolve sometimes)

i think that aside from this being beautifully written, it is important to read for your own knowledge to truly understand (even if you are queer) how truly defenseless queer people are in the courts, especially when they're defending themselves against someone in their own community.

this memoir is about domestic violence so if anything in that realm is triggering to you, I suggests you skip this one, but I do 1000% recommend it.

fragments of my thoughts while reading

I felt so apprehensive and anxious after read the last page of part 1. I didn't want to flip the page, I didn't want to continue, I didn't want to know what was going to happen next. I feel like that physical reaction of pure anxiety is a testament to how astounding this book is.

there's something so tender and heartbreaking in the many ways that “where have you gone?” is phrased. whenever I read about love, especially when one lover is in turmoil, and their lover asks them “where have you gone?” or “where did you go?” or simply saying “come back to me”, I know they're not talking about physical proximity but matters of the mind and heart, and it breaks me. I don't know what this book has done to me but I feel like a shell of myself. I'm just sad. i'm sad about giovanni, i'm sad david couldn't be his true self, im said about hella being left in the dark, i'm sad for people that have to hide who they are. it's just upsetting and irritating and it makes me feel helpless. I just feel empty.

james baldwin was an amazing writer, I don't think I've felt whatever it is that i'm currently feeling about a book. it's different from oewbg, I felt more hope in that despite everything. this feels final with no room for redemption or peace.

if it says “written by patti smith” I will buy it..and I will read it..and it will be 5 stars.

smith's writing is always poetic and filled with wonder and movement but this felt different from anything I've read from her before. it felt like reading grief. like she took exactly what she was feeling and put it in word form, if that makes sense.

I feel like you can look at this book in two ways in relation to “just kids”: it could be a more intense, abstract introduction to “just kids”, feeling the love and pain of this amazing friendship before you get to experience their journey.

or, you can look at this as a final send off to robert after experiencing their tumultuous and love filled life together in “just kids”. I think I understood the metaphors in “the coral sea” more because I had a previous understanding of their relationship from “just kids”. patti was more vulnerable and raw in this one, way more than in the ending of “just kids”, and it makes sense because this was written right after robert died. it's all of her feelings of love and fear and pain that followed his death while still celebrating him as a person and an artist.

I try not to speak of her and her works as if I know her or can sympathize with her grief, because I can't, but her writing allows you feel at least a sliver of what she's felt and experienced, and she's published books that hold so much of herself and her life, it's hard to not feel like you know her in some small way.

I really don't have to be in the reading mood to devour one of her books in one sitting. I am patti-biased though and haven't disliked any of her books yet but I know this one won't be for everyone. if you like poetry though, I think you'll enjoy it without having prior knowledge of what patti and robert's relationship was.

backman has mastered the art of seamlessly blending the lives of 50 million characters in one book. I don't know how he does it. I think he did an amazing job at depicting rape culture and what being in a small town where the same ideas are recycled through generations without anyone questioning them, does to people. there were times where I felt like he let the bubble of this being a fiction book pop and poured his feelings of anger and disgust of how the rapist is coddled and victimized while the victim themselves, is villainized. It read like a condemnation of rape culture and groupthink.

choosing to write about a small, financially insecure town whose only form of light and hope is not just hockey, but whoever the star player is, was a brilliant backdrop to condemn these faults in our society because its more explicit with less distractions to shy away from the faults with influences of a larger society. the star player is supposed to be their way out, a way to their make their lives better and worth living. so they choose blissful ignorance. their money makers can do no wrong, because their money makers are their beacons of hope.

this way of thinking is fucked up and unhealthy and breeds young boys into young men into fully grown men who were never allowed and taught to be human. only to be winners. and if they're not treated as such, they lash out in anger and throw temper tantrums because you won't treat them as immortal and give them what they want. and this extends beyond sports, as we all already know.

thank you sm if you read all of this, I know its a lot to read and digest, but this is what “beartown” is. when I talk to my friends about SA, we always say “when” it will happen to us instead of “if”, and it shouldn't be like that at all.