Alyssa

From the first paragraph I knew I was going to like this book. I saw the essay in social media several weeks ago so I was thrilled when I learned that the author wrote a memoir. Grief is a lonely thing. But I loved how by reading this book, it felt like I wasn't alone. While I'm not Korean, I connected with her experiences, the way her mom used food and acts of services to express her love, how her mom loved shopping and nice things, how important reputation and looks are to her mom, and in general the Asian mom culture that I grew up with. How I loved my mom so much but like the author, a lot of the times failed in showing her.

“It seemed unfair to me that the two of them should have to wait on anyone when their grief was undoubtedly the deepest.”

“For the rest of my life there would be a splinter in my being, stinging from the moment my mother died until it was buried with me.”

“I couldn't fathom joy or pleasure in losing myself in a moment ever again. Maybe because it felt wrong, like a betrayal. If I really loved her, I had no right to feel those things again.”

Warning: Spoilers ahead!

Parts I liked:
1. The physics metaphors
2. The “secret” that everyone knows about but is kept hidden from the reader until close to the end
3. How Mike and Mr. Scott were written, so sweet!

Parts I didn't like:
1. Romanticization of suicide and depression
2. The stereotype that one good thing or that love from other people can suddenly cure you of depression/suicidal thoughts (what a complete 180! all because of something so shallow)
3. How Roman was adamant about their plan but also giving out false hope because he keeps on being touchy, saying and doing sweet things (like ugh give me a break)

I would like to note that this is a re-read, from when I was 15-16 years old vs. me now @ 25 years old. While I loved it back then (hello, angst-loving teenager who is fascinated by the morbid), I didn't particularly enjoy it much now (a bit grown up, fighting multiple mental illnesses)
It just felt like it didn't really show how complicated mental health can be, neither did it show the reality of things in these situations. Points for the effort and advocacy for awareness though. It is a good start for letting people know more about these conditions, easy to digest, and doesn't leave the read too bummed out at the end.

I did like the quotes, the word play and the metaphors. Favorite lines below:

“But just because it's cowardly doesn't guarantee it's going to be easy.”

“Anyone who has actually been that sad can tell you that there's nothing beautiful or literary or mysterious about depression.”

“I don't participate. Why? Because I'm fucking sad.”

“Rivers are never stuck.”

“What people never understand is that depression isn't about the outside, it's about the inside.”

“I just wish you weren't so sad all the time, Aysel.”

“You can't live for miracles.”

“Make sure you add extra chocolate chips, he says. Aysel loves chocolate chips.”

“But at least before they died, they were stars.”

“In these moments, it always feels like my skin is too thin, like everyone can see right inside me, can see my empty sad and dark insides.”