Acts of Service

This was beautifully written and asked a lot of interesting questions, but I really don't know what to get from it (which is chill honesty)! To me this is a book about discovering sexuality is even more fluid than we realize. It does, in my opinion, make an argument that labels are bullshit. But I think the main character's fluidity is not universal and so I found myself wanting to advocate for lesbians!! Because despite labeling herself as a lesbian, Eve fell in love with a man? Maybe I'm late to some party but I think the definition of a lesbian really is that there is not romantic or sexual attraction to men. If she doesn't fit there, that's totally fine and this would have been a cool way of showing that sexuality can change or stretch. But I don't know if that's what this is. Truly, it felt like “the straight man understands my mind and my body in a way that transcends sexuality”, which feels wrong to me (because it felt like it was making a mockery of the label). But I also recognize that may be someone's experience.

I also think this could easily be a narrator that's being manipulated in a way she can't come to terms with or even see. At times, I felt that Eve thought she had control but didn't. I kept thinking of My Dark Vanessa. That narrator is constantly having to convince the reader that what she experienced was fine, that she was not a victim at all. This felt a little bit like that. Eve truly believes this shit and is trying to make us believe it too. I guess what I'm saying is that she's an unreliable narrator who refuses to call a spade a spade. She shows us the facts but refuses to make the right conclusions: she's being taken advantage of, pitted against Olivia for attention, and IS IN FACT pansexual! Or maybe there's a piece of info we're not getting. Or maybe they were made for each other and don't worship sexuality but sex and vanity itself. Not sure! It was a cool concept but it's definitely one that's got me stumped. The ending left me even more stumped because I thought we were going somewhere that would make the whole manipulation angle make sense: “this man manipulated me into a relationship when I really wanted his girlfriend (I am also really concerned about said girlfriend because she's still being manipulated even after I made it out”. But the ending basically ripped that theory to shreds. I think Nathan is a fucked individual who disguises assault and degradation as understanding someone. When really, you've overstepped and were lucky enough that they liked the way it felt. All of this to say, I think the writing of these characters is pretty masterful. My hatred or ambiguity for them was probably the point. But I wasn't sure what argument or philosophy to get from it. It doesn't need to have one, but it was very obviously trying to say something. I just wasn't able to get it.

What I seriously loved about this book was the exploration of jealousy, of guilt, of vanity and wanting our body to be perceived. I picked up the book because I read the first page and felt that it'd been plucked from my fucking brain. I related to Eve in ways I wouldn't like to admit and I also found some of her actions repulsive. If nothing else, this book has raised a lot of questions for me about poly relationships, conventional beauty, how I view and distribute my body and even loyalty. Personally, I think this book could've been twice as long. There are so many loose ends, things we never return to. But I also think that open-ended-ness is natural and works for stories that follow someone's life. Not every aspect of our lives ends when we change things up, so info about her father, roommate, ex-gf, etc, would indulge me, but is maybe not necessary. I probably like this book more than I realize because I saw Goodreads reviews before reading and that tainted the experience a bit (it becomes 10x easier to spot things to dislike when people point them out for you). But I still really liked it. And I'm not even a smut person (is this smut? is it artsy smut? a secret third thing?).