Acts of Service

no one in this book has a discernible human emotion at any moment, and i think there's a built in structure where if you think this book sucks it's because you're judging the characters for their absolute batshit behavior, which in most cases i would say is true. but here it's just absolutely unrecognizable action and reaction, stuck between meandering purple prose paragraphs where not one of the philosophical ideas about submission and desire sticks the landing. these are not serious people. the only moment of reality comes when fatima starts asking eve what the fuck her dumb rich white ass is doing defending this absolute manipulative monster of a man simply because she likes being dicked down and degraded by him. i cannot in any way recommend this book to anyone who enjoys reading because it might turn you against all literature. also the last line being like “he was the greatest act of service i had ever received” REALLY? we're gonna end the book with the title? GROW UP!

This one hurt, but it kept me hooked the whole way through 

This was beautifully written and asked a lot of interesting questions, but I really don't know what to get from it (which is chill honesty)! To me this is a book about discovering sexuality is even more fluid than we realize. It does, in my opinion, make an argument that labels are bullshit. But I think the main character's fluidity is not universal and so I found myself wanting to advocate for lesbians!! Because despite labeling herself as a lesbian, Eve fell in love with a man? Maybe I'm late to some party but I think the definition of a lesbian really is that there is not romantic or sexual attraction to men. If she doesn't fit there, that's totally fine and this would have been a cool way of showing that sexuality can change or stretch. But I don't know if that's what this is. Truly, it felt like “the straight man understands my mind and my body in a way that transcends sexuality”, which feels wrong to me (because it felt like it was making a mockery of the label). But I also recognize that may be someone's experience.

I also think this could easily be a narrator that's being manipulated in a way she can't come to terms with or even see. At times, I felt that Eve thought she had control but didn't. I kept thinking of My Dark Vanessa. That narrator is constantly having to convince the reader that what she experienced was fine, that she was not a victim at all. This felt a little bit like that. Eve truly believes this shit and is trying to make us believe it too. I guess what I'm saying is that she's an unreliable narrator who refuses to call a spade a spade. She shows us the facts but refuses to make the right conclusions: she's being taken advantage of, pitted against Olivia for attention, and IS IN FACT pansexual! Or maybe there's a piece of info we're not getting. Or maybe they were made for each other and don't worship sexuality but sex and vanity itself. Not sure! It was a cool concept but it's definitely one that's got me stumped. The ending left me even more stumped because I thought we were going somewhere that would make the whole manipulation angle make sense: “this man manipulated me into a relationship when I really wanted his girlfriend (I am also really concerned about said girlfriend because she's still being manipulated even after I made it out”. But the ending basically ripped that theory to shreds. I think Nathan is a fucked individual who disguises assault and degradation as understanding someone. When really, you've overstepped and were lucky enough that they liked the way it felt. All of this to say, I think the writing of these characters is pretty masterful. My hatred or ambiguity for them was probably the point. But I wasn't sure what argument or philosophy to get from it. It doesn't need to have one, but it was very obviously trying to say something. I just wasn't able to get it.

What I seriously loved about this book was the exploration of jealousy, of guilt, of vanity and wanting our body to be perceived. I picked up the book because I read the first page and felt that it'd been plucked from my fucking brain. I related to Eve in ways I wouldn't like to admit and I also found some of her actions repulsive. If nothing else, this book has raised a lot of questions for me about poly relationships, conventional beauty, how I view and distribute my body and even loyalty. Personally, I think this book could've been twice as long. There are so many loose ends, things we never return to. But I also think that open-ended-ness is natural and works for stories that follow someone's life. Not every aspect of our lives ends when we change things up, so info about her father, roommate, ex-gf, etc, would indulge me, but is maybe not necessary. I probably like this book more than I realize because I saw Goodreads reviews before reading and that tainted the experience a bit (it becomes 10x easier to spot things to dislike when people point them out for you). But I still really liked it. And I'm not even a smut person (is this smut? is it artsy smut? a secret third thing?).

There's so much here, all the questions asked and challenged, about sex and sexuality...

Truly the only reason I can't give this 5 stars is because I almost feel too connected to the story. It hurts to read as much as it is enthralling to see it put so eloquently, so brutally.

I have come across these characters in real life, I've been in this type of situation. It's gratifying and repelling on a personal level and it's so absolutely bizarre - in a good way - when someone can sum up emotions you don't want to face, are masochistically thrilled to read and are nevertheless viscerally present.

DNF. I realized halfway through that I just didn't have any motivation to find out what happened next, and that I was just forcing myself to continue reading out of misguided completionism.