Beast

This 100% has spoilers. Also I read with my feelings and I'm not writing this as a review. I'm just writing it for myself so I can come back and read it again years later. It is all just personal feelings. I will be rambling.

So I relate to the two main characters so much in so many ways.

My dad had a lot of Cancer too. He had it three times and got through all three times and then just randomly died in his sleep in his fifties. The doctors never figured out why he died. I have this constant fear that it's genetic and I'm sick and I'm dying of cancers and some unknown thing just sitting there in my dna waiting to off me suddenly. Also my grandma got breast cancer twice, my younger sister had thyroid cancer and my dog had liver cancer. My anxiety about cancer and health problems in general is very bad.

Also I'm non-binary and I grew up sort of the way Jamie did. My parents let me do whatever. It was no big deal. I ran all over the place with the neighborhood boys and we even had sleepovers and stuff. It was all just normal for me and it wasn't until I was much older that I realized the way I experience gender isn't the same as others. I hate that my chest got so big. I have had dreams for over a decade that I would get breast cancer like my grandma did so that I would have an excuse to get rid of them. I've had these dreams before I even realized that there were other options then just my gender assigned at birth. Now I identify as non-binary but I'm not different then I was before. I feel like exactly the same person, but the people around me don't see me as the same now. Which is kinda weird. It's like they must feel somewhat like how Dylan feIt when He found out Jamie was trans.

I just have a different label on the same bottle. Now I don't feel like I need an excuse for anything I do that isn't femininish. I just do what feels right. I'll probably get top surgery someday but for now I'm terrified of surgery in general and especially blood clots. I like to look at before and after pictures and dream though.

Anyways I'm not even talking about the book now, but like I said I read with my feelings. I read myself along with the story and come out understanding myself a little better every time.

These teenagers were very well written. They felt like whole people.

Edit 9/30/22:
I have officially started my journey toward top surgery. I'm planning for 2026, before I turn 40. Going to take the next three years to get my body and mind ready as well as the insurance and necessary diagnosis for gender dysphoria.