Dear Ijeawele, Or a Feminist Manifesto in Fifteen Suggestions

Adichie, you did it again.
In a really short book, you explain a plurality of concepts that anyone who wants to raise their children in the best way posible should read.
And it's hard. I won't deny it. Reading some parts of this was hard af. Because realizing some behaviors your parents, your teachers, adults in general implanted on you since you were born are actually really problematic, and detaching from those behaviors, is difficult.
But it is posible, I truly believe from the bottom of my heart, that overcoming patriarchy is posible, even if it means that I'll have to discard and change my behaviors and the misogynist culture I was thrown in without asking.
I'll leave some qoutes that resume what a great book this is:

‘You might think that Chudi will not bathe her exactly as you'd like, that he might not wipe her bum as perfectly as you do. But so what? What is the worst that can happen? She won't die at the hands of her father. Seriously. He loves her. It's good for her to be cared for by her father. So look away, arrest your perfectionism, still your socially conditioned sense of duty. Share child care equally.'‘And please reject the language of help. Chudi is not “helping” you by caring for his child. He is doing what he should.'‘There are people who say “Well, your name is also about patriarchy because it is your father's name.” Indeed. But the point is simply this: Whether it came from my father or from the moon, it is the name that I have had since I was born, the name with which I traveled my life's milestones, the name I have answered to since that first day I went to kindergarten on a hazy morning and my teacher said, “Answer ‘present' if you hear your name. Number one: Adichie!”'‘Never, ever link Chizalum's appearance with morality. Never tell her that a short skirt is “immoral.” Make dressing a question of taste and attractiveness instead of a question of morality. If you clash over what she wants to wear, never say things like “You look like a prostitute,” as I know your mother once told you. Instead, say, “That dress doesn't flatter you like this other one.” Or doesn't fit as well. Or doesn't look as attractive. Or is simply ugly. But never “immoral.” Because clothes have absolutely nothing to do with morality.'

This book gave me a whole new perspective on the word feminism. I don't know that I would have chosen to read this book based on the title, but hearing an interview with the author piqued my curiosity. So, I hit the library.

I had the picture of feminism that showed a woman who raged against the machine and wanted to stick it to the man. Like a female version of misogyny.

What I found represented in this book sounded very much like the things my grandmother taught me growing up. Treat people as equals, no matter who they are, where they come from, or where they are going. Growing up, I held a view that women were more righteous than men. The author rightly describes women as people with the same tendencies to be mean and ugly or kind and generous as men.

It should be pointed out that this book is based on a letter written to a friend about raising a daughter. As a parent, I appreciated the advice to let the child figure out their own tastes and interests without forcing ours on them.

I also appreciated how the author talks about men. Men are not painted as the enemy of women. Rather, the distinction is that men who treat women with respect as equals without old biases of women should be wives and mothers first and foremost are examples of men who are feminists.

For most of my life, I have been sensitive to injustice. Seeing a person or group of people being mistreated by another. More and more, I see that women have not been given the fair shake they deserve over the years. I personally want to be the kind of person who treats all others with equality and respect, evaluating them on their abilities and not on my biases.

This is a very short book, in fact it's a letter written to a friend on how to raise her daughter as a feminist.

Whilst reading this I realised I had been brought up with this knowledge and these values instilled in me before I even knew what the word ‘feminist' meant (so thank you, parents!), so I read this nodding along and agreeing with all of the suggestions.

It's wonderfully written, with its warmth, humour and affection which, despite it being so short, immediately makes you feel like you are friends with Chimimanda and she is writing to you.

Can we just get a load of copies of this and give it out to any person who turns their nose up at the idea of feminism or equality please?!

Simply put, everyone should read this!

“I matter. I matter equally. Not ‘if only'. Not ‘as long as'. I matter equally. Full stop.”

This book is a very small book (65 pages) with very important messages. I wanted to highligh everything.
Please read it!

The text that follows is a personal sharing and not a comment on the book. Is is about my journey and why I am commited to educating myself about privile and feminism. Consider yourself warned, be gentle and proceed with caution.

I grew up with 5 brothers and all my life I did the same things they did: I loved stories, I played with legos, I had dolls but also cars and Dinosaurs (barbies use to ride a T-Rex), I had a bike and rollerblades and loved them. I did not like football, but not all of them did anyway, and it was mostly because of my clumsiness. I run in parks, climbed trees and got dirty. I did this almost always wearing a dress or leggins because of the freedom of movement. I was always able to choose my own clothes, except when we had lunch with my grandparents.

I grew loving books, music and board games. I love Star Wars and Lord of the Rings as well as Beauty and the Beast, Little Mermaid and Alladin (We all still know these movies by heart).

I was always absolutely convinced I would study STEM subjects. My father advised me to choose any engineering course (because I loved math and physics) but I chose biochemistry. I hated it so much that I wanted to get as far away from the subject as possible and went on to study management, specializing in finance.

I did not know how privileged I was when I was growing up. In fact, I am still learning about privilege in general.

I knew I was privileged in many areas of my life: I grew up with a family, I was able to study and have nothing significant lacking in my life. I am aware that this is a huge amount of privilege obviously, what I didn't understand was how lucky I was to grow in a family that teach me I could be whatever I wanted.

When I started going to interviews I was asked if I had a boyfriend, when was I planning to have kids and if I felt comfortable travelling since it would affect the family.

When I started working in corporate finance we were 8 women in approximately 40 employees and only one was a Director.

When I started going to client board meetings I was almost always the only woman in the room.

In 10 years of consultancy I only spoke with 3 women with decision making power and only one of them was CEO.

When we decided to have kids I really wanted a girl because of the extra challenge of preparing her for a world that it is still not equal for women. I wanted to raise a girl to be whatever she wants but aware of her privilege, as well as the dificulties she might face.
Little did I know about the immensity of a challenge it is.

I know what I want to teach her and is absolutely in line with everything written in this book. The problem is educating society.
Society begins to invent gender roles even before they are born! I keep explaining to my husband's family the kind of toys and clothes I want and go on receiving kitchen appliances and pink babies.
At this point, I am not even sure if she really likes pink and purple or if it was manipulated by the tons of pink objects available in the world (I try to choose everything in happy colours to counterbalance but it is a challenge).

I keep seeing friends and family raising their kids with gender biases and its tricky to interfere as nobody likes to be told what to do.
Gender injustice is real, but I always have to prove its existence and its exhausting. Even the friends that acknowledge gender injustice have difficulty in understanding that a lot of their actions and language are gender biased.

I feel very lucky with my life and what I have accomplished. I want to see more females in positions of power. I want it not to feel like luck and to be available to all women.

I will keep educating myself and force my friends do the same and eventually we will #BreakTheBias.