Dumplin'

So, to sum it up as I told my friend via online message when I reached roughly the 38% mark of Dumplin': “omfg. this book is so bad. unless the point is to portray a shitty human being who blames everyone for her own actions and is a hypocrite, in which case it's amazing.”

Seriously, how was this marketed as “the feel-good YA of the year” at the library? I feel deeply, horribly lied to by the publicist who wrote the description! All this book does is reaffirm to insecure teens that, yes, even other bullied kids who say they're your friend are judging you for your appearance or disability and being your friend out of pity. All it teaches is that it's okay to be an evil, self-centered monster because ultimately anyone worthy of your time will forgive you and ignore that you haven't even changed as a person.

I wanted to be uplifted and feel better about my body, but instead Willowdean - who is VERY MUCH not body confident or body positive - just kept on triggering all the disgust and hatred I feel for my own body. How dare the author write a character who whines about her ‘back flab' and breaks up with her boyfriend because boohoo other people will judge the fat girl dating a hot jock then have the audacity to claim it's about uplifting readers and teaching body positivity?!

Frankly, I nearly stopped reading several times, but I have a book goal for 2019 and I'm saving the DNF shelf for those I can't force myself to finish. Dumplin' is actually very easy to read in that it makes me curious what may happen next and it's well written in terms of flow and narrating voice. Just, y'know, said narrating voice belongs to someone who's kind of a shitty person.

I just could not make myself like Willowdean, no matter how much I could relate to the core of some of her struggles - and honestly I think that dichotomy between relating (even to some of her worst elements, which I struggle to make better in myself) and actively loathing everything about her personality is what made me so uncomfortable with this book. Sometimes, I wanted to reach right through the pages and slap the sense into her and other times I felt like giving a little nod of acknowledgement because I could relate even when she was thinking nasty, selfish things.

I struggled with body image as a teen, too - and still today as an adult, frankly - as the result of an eating disorder. I was the overweight girl who wanted to believe I should wear whatever I want, only to get taunted into deep depression when I tried. I relate so hard to the wishy-washy nature of how she both tries to feel okay wearing a bathing suit and rushes in and out of the pool so very few people can see her large thighs. I relate to how she digs metaphorical claws of possession into her best friend and doesn't want her friend to stray or bring anyone else into the inner circle; when you're alone and bullied and hate yourself, you never want to risk trusting outsiders or losing the people you know you can trust. (Acting on it, however, is despicable.)

But more than that, I especially relate to how she tries so hard to be confident in her own body but falls short so many times and mentally tears down others to make herself feel better. Of course she looks at a girl larger than herself and thinks at least she's not that big; it's human nature to latch onto examples of how you're not so bad off. (The alcoholic says at least he's not on crack. The kid who crashed his mom's car says at least he didn't run into someone. The person with a big nose says at least it's not crooked like that other guy's. And so forth.) What counts is that she doesn't speak those thoughts aloud. In a book where we read the inner thoughts and are expected to view her as our protagonist, however, it gets difficult to stomach - or to remember that these are only thoughts and not what she actually says to people about their bodies. It's an ugly look on her, but so are most people's thoughts. That's why we fear the idea of telepathy and hide our diaries - and why social media gets people into so much trouble.

There's a line, however. There's a point when it goes from relatable to downright disgustingly nasty, and Will takes a running leap to jump straight over that line into Completely Unacceptable territory then kicks the sign over and blames the sign for being in her way. It isn't just the occasional, passing thought but rather consistent and constant cruelty towards anyone bigger, smaller, or differently abled than herself. (So, yes, everyone.)

She's spiteful and hypocritical and mean and even befriends a girl who's larger than herself out of “pity” while internally thinking that girl brings the bullying on herself for what she chooses to wear. This, from a girl who constantly bemoans that people should stop judging what she wears and how big she is! Oh, and she internally goes along with the taunting of a disabled girl with unfashionable corrective footwear; the only reason she doesn't like the cruel nickname of Frankenstein given to the girl is because that's the doctor's name, not the monster's. Wow, what a great person we have narrating this story to us, guys!

Once romance gets involved and her best friend starts making other friends, however, things get even worse. I don't even know how to form my frustrations with these things into coherent paragraphs, so I'm just going to provide a list. (We like lists in 2019, right?)

* She ditches her boyfriend because he's transferring to her school and she just cannot stand the idea of being seen dating him. Why? Two reasons. One, she didn't tell her best friend about the relationship and is worried that if it gets out then her friend will be mad she kept secrets. Two, she's afraid that people will see them dating at school and ask how she managed to snag such an attractive guy. And she just can't have that! She would rather he stay her dirty, little secret from work and the private moments they spend after work during summer.

* She actively gaslights Bo (the boyfriend from above) by breaking up with him because she “refuses to be his secret” and accusing that he's the reason she feels insecure with herself. She even claims this in the narrative later, but it's patently untrue because the obvious issues with her body insecurity happen from the first three chapters or so. She can't even go into and out of a public pool without running to avoid people being able to see her large thighs, but she pretends she's oh-so-confident in her body.

* Every single person she meets gets an appearance assessment, often focusing on their perceived flaws - especially girls, who she always notices as either thinner or larger than herself as a means to mentally tear down the thin ones and drag herself up by scrutinizing the large ones.

* When her best friend makes another friend, Willowdean instantly hates the girl for being thin and pretty and interested in the local beauty pageant. She doesn't even give the girl a chance to be her friend and is rude from the start. She gets pissed off when her best friend confides things in this new friend about sex - a topic they can relate to and she cannot.

* She leads a guy, Mitch, on because she wants to forget Bo. She gets close to him, agrees to date him, and then acts like he's in the wrong for assuming that means, y'know, that they are dating. She also shit-talks his dating skills internally and to her friend without actually telling him that it's best they stay friends instead.

* A guy (who, yes, is in general a big bully) overhears when her mother yells at her across the school parking lot using the nickname Dumplin'. This guy decides to call her by that nickname, because using unflattering nicknames for people is what he does - but, again, this is a name her own mother used for her and not some kind of he-made-it-up slur or whatever. She physically assaults him for it by kneeing him in the groin and is somehow righteously indignant as if she doesn't deserve when her mother grounds her and she gets suspending from school for the attack.

* When she sees that Bo has been clearly beaten up, she decides not to ask if he's okay because it's “not her business anymore.” God forbid she be a decent human being and give a shit about someone she dated up until a few weeks ago. No, no, she's gotta be unjustly mad at him, damn it! (We never discover what happened.)

* Will almost feels a hint of remorse for all the nasty, mean things she's thought about Millie - the girl who's larger than her. But then, within one page, turns around and calls Millie weird to someone else behind her back. Hypocrite!

* Will decides to enter the beauty pageant as a pick-me-up to herself and a means of carrying on a secret dream of her dead aunt who was also a large girl. However, she doesn't want to make a big deal of it... so when her “friends” (she internally treats them like trash), Millie and Amanda - the girl with corrective shoes - decide to draw inspiration and sign up as well... Will goes out of her way to discourage and beat them down emotionally so they won't join. Because she thinks they'll draw too much attention to her.

* Will considers it a betrayal that her conventionally pretty best friend, whose support she had from the very beginning, also joins the beauty pageant. Because how dare an attractive friend take place in something to make her feel confident in her body! That's only for “fat” people and disabled people! The pretties are the enemies! But no, Will ignores her best friend saying that, for her, it's just as uncomfortable to be judged and it's equally a self-empowerment thing to do this and demands that El back out of the pageant and “let [her] have this one thing.” Yay, being a selfish, horrible friend? She should win a crown for that!

* After pushing El away and being rightly dumped for being a shitty friend, Will immediately runs to her the next school day begging for help with her pageant entry. Because she's that selfish and clueless. Oh, and we get this bullshit little bit in her head: “But I'm not perfect and neither is she. When you love someone enough, you accept their flaws. You make sacrifices to keep them sane. I need her to keep me sane. I need her to sacrifice this for me.” Oh, fuck off, you selfish bitch!

* Will asks Mitch to the Sadie Hawkins dance despite finally getting onto a just-friends level, thus further confusing and leading him on. Instead of being honest that she wants to go as friends she chooses to just let things be as they are. Also, she spends a lot of time pining after Bo, who she threw away, and being jealous of his date and wishing she were dancing with him instead of Mitch. Who needs to be a decent human being, anyway? (It's also worth note that this crazy, selfish chick says she “doesn't want to lead him on” ... therefore she stops being close and romantic immediately after the dance. In which she led him on. Oi vey.)

* She tries to get El's boyfriend to con El into talking to her. Instead of doing something humbling and right like, say, sending an apology text or visiting/calling to say she's sorry. No, no, better trick El into talking to her instead - because she still thinks she's in the right and El shouldn't have joined the pageant, but is sooooo desperate to have the support of her once-best friend back regardless.

* Will continues to lead Mitch on, and basically be his girlfriend without claiming the title. But she also goes back to working with Bo and pining after him like a lost puppy. And when Mitch comes to see her, she resents him for it because she wants to have both boys at once or some bullshit. She likens it to not wanting two foods to touch on her plate.

* She pulls the classic tumblrina level privilege assumption game on Bo when he says he hates how money can be such an issue for so many people. Not even knowing his private life or family situation, she scolds him because he went to private school for a while (nevermind that he transferred to public school recently) and therefore he can't possibly know what it means to be broke. When he reveals that he's poor but got in on a scholarship, Will doesn't apologize or even feel that guilty; she just gets upset that he didn't tell her before about the financial issues and scholarship.

* Will decides that her mother no longer walks into dressing rooms with her or brushes teeth while she showers etc. because she's disgusted by Will's body. And not, y'know, that at some point in a girl's life it's inappropriate for her parent of any gender to keep standing around gawking at her nakedness. Talk about desperately reaching for reasons to villainize her mom!

* She feels happiness at realizing El's talent for the beauty pageant is less than impressive. She even sarcastically claps far too loud afterward.

* She ignores Mitch's texts for an entire weekend while hanging out with Bo, whom she lies to about Mitch by saying her mom is texting. In other words: she's playing both guys becuase she can't be assed to pick one or the other. Fuck that shit!

* “Today Millie is a ball of mint green, including her backpack.” Ball. Will thinks of the girl who's larger than her as a fucking ball. Seriously.

* She betrays Mitch to get close to Bo again, then betrays Bo because she's too cowardly to just handle that he likes her and she likes him and what other people may say about them doesn't matter. Even worse, Mitch is a jock, so it's not like she's got some sure bet with him that she won't be teased. It's stupid and infuriating and just a shitty cop-out for throwing him away and creating nonsensical drama.

* When she finally apologizes to El, Will does it in the context of “I need you and can't handle all the silence” rather than true contrition.

Oh, and did I mention that literally every shitty action she takes is blamed on someone else?

It's Bo's fault that she chose to change jobs, because how dare he end up in the same class as her. It's Bo's fault she thinks she's not worthy of his desire even though he's done absolutely nothing other than prove he believes she's worthy. It's Bo's fault she leads Mitch on, because she needs to get over him. It's El's fault she kept the relationship with Bo a secret because how dare El talk about her sex life with a different friend who actually understands. It's El's fault she's uncomfortable because El didn't walk out of the pool with her and someone may have seen her body. It's her mother's fault she's called a nickname she doesn't like even though she's never in her life said to her mom she doesn't like it. So on and so forth. Willowdean wouldn't know how to take responsibility for her own actions and choices if her life depended upon it!

She is extremely - many times, infuriatingly - flawed. In a book told from first person perspective, we have to get into the main character's head, and that irks me when Will's having her moments of jerkassery or hypocrisy.

Overall, I just can't get past how much I loathe Will to rate this book any higher and frankly wish “zero stars” was an option. I wish it were told by a more sympathetic and less cruelly selfish character, such as Millie. I would love to see this world and the events in it through her eyes, such that it's still a plus-sized protagonist but also it's not a spiteful, selfish, mean person we're supposed to rally behind.

Seriously: Millie is great. She's kind and sweet and tries to be as truly confident in herself as possible. She's a great friend and tells people when what they say is mean or wrong instead of just sitting back and letting them insult others. And even better, she has an arc - brief as it might be - where she comes to realize that her religious indoctrination to be homophobic is wrong and goes against her parents' wishes to do what's best for herself. I would adore a book which focused on her instead of Willowdean!

That's not to say Will doesn't have any character growth. There are some moments which make it seem like she's truly coming into her own and realizing the errors of her ways and growing as a person. But soon enough, each moment of growth is thrown out the window as she returns right back to her old, judgmental, selfish ways. It isn't until the final 15% of the book that she actually, truly realizes what a horrible person she's been and even then it's just... too little and too late and handled extremely poorly. Even worse, after she made such a big deal of being in the beauty pageant, she intentionally gets herself disqualified and makes a mockery of the whole thing. That's right: the main draw of the book ends with the protagonist being kicked out of competition for breaking the rules and us never discovering who won.

Also, let me just be the one who steps up and says it: the idea of a girl who's bullied for her weight, and who frankly doesn't have a very nice personality either, having two jocks pine after her to the point they let her walk all over them is unrealistic as hell. Boys don't put up with that even from the conventional girls or the ones with redeeming personalities! To have as good of luck as Willowdean does with both of these guys liking her and then piss it all away to use them both instead of making a choice is an absolute slap in the face to those of us who never had the good fortune of even one guy we liked feeling mutual about it because of our weight or insecurities.

I'm so disgusted by everything about this book and angry with myself for not just stopping at 20% like I wanted.