Forever Always

So this was a book. That I read. I wouldn't necessary call it dark. More like disturbing. On multiple levels.

And I'm not sure I'd call it romance, either, even though the love aspect was a big part of it. But maybe that's a me issue.

This is a story of two little kids who grew up getting fucked over every which way by life and the adults who should have been looking out for them.

I don't say this lightly. Imagine every bad thing you can imagine. Child sexual assault. Child neglect. Anxiety. Depression. Suicidal ideation. You name it, it's here.

The only safe space they had was each other, and given that, is it any surprise we have declarations like these?

"I love you. Don’t hate me. You were the best dad, brother, boyfriend ever."

Their relationship is codependency on steroids. They say they're 'everything' to each other, and sadly, they mean it in a very literal sense. One was 10, the other 5 when their parents effectively checked out, more or less.

Beckett basically raised Riley. Their relationship changed over the years from big brother, to father figure, to best friend, and eventually to boyfriend.

When I read this, I could see why it would be this way between them, but I honestly can't help but think they deserved better than for each other to be their only option. That's a lot of pressure to put on someone, and many times, you see them crack under it.

It doesn't help that their suffering doesn't end with their childhood. It dogs them even later at 20&25. They literally can't catch a break.

"Are you my boyfriend? That sounds dumb as hell, but you’re not just my brother anymore, even if you’ll always be my brother, and I want to talk about you at work or wherever, but I don’t know how. We went on a date, but are we datin’? This should be the biggest thing in our lives right now. We should be enjoyin’ and analyzin’ every moment as we figure this out, but we can’t. It’s become fuckin’ back burner, and I don’t want us to be on the back burner, Becks. Not ever.”

This book is just really heartbreaking on so many levels. I couldn't even get into the romance aspects of it. It's just a really sad book with a HFN ending, and I just don't think I feel much satisfaction with it in general.

To me it's a story of two scared little boys who struggle to survive a ton of shit, don't really succeed and grow into scared adults who are STILL struggling to survive a ton of shit, and mostly failing.

To be clear, this is a well written book. It is. It's just not 'happy', and I really really really mostly read romance for joy, so I can't say I loved this, as a romance.