How to Know a Person

David Brooks is a human being. And just like all human beings, he wants to connect with people. To do that, he knows we must see others deeply and we must be deeply seen.

This is a book about the things Brooks has learned about how to see others deeply and how to be deeply seen.

Brooks tells a little about one thing he admires about his friend, Jimmy Dorrell: “When Jimmy sees a person, he comes in with the belief that this person is so important that Jesus was willing to die for their sake. As a result, Jimmy is going to greet people with respect and reverence.” He adds that we may be an atheist, an agnostic, a Christian, a Jew, a Muslim, a Buddhist, or something else, but it is this “awareness of the infinite dignity of each person you meet” is a “precondition for seeing people well.”

Brooks encourages us to be Illuminators, someone who illuminates people with a gaze that is respectful, warm, and full of admiration. To do this, he suggests the gaze be tender, receptive, filled with active curiosity and affection, generous, and holistic.

Brooks lists ways to become a better conversationalist: (1) Apply what some experts call the SLANT method: sit up, lean forward, ask questions, nod your head, track the speaker. Pay attention 100%. (2) Listen so actively that “you're practically burning calories.” (3) Stick with the familiar. Find the thing the other person is most attached to. (4) Ask for stories about specific events or experiences and then go further. (5) Don't fear the pause. (5) Loop. Repeat what someone said in order to be sure you are understanding what they are saying. (6) Be a midwife; be there to make the person feel safe, but also prod. (7) Keep the gem statement, the truth underneath the disagreement, at the center. (8) Find the disagreement under the disagreement. (9) Don't be a topper.

In addition, Brooks suggests we ask big questions.

One of Brooks' friends is David Bradley, and he does this neat trick with index cards. When a person presents a problem to Bradley, he asks questions. He begins with three questions: What are your ultimate goals, your skills, and your schedule? Then he ranks the things a person really wants to do on one card and the things the person is actually doing on the other. On a third card, he writes out a strategy for how a person can get Card B to look more like Card A.

If a conversation starts to go south, Brooks knows a way to redeem it. “First, you step back from the conflict, and you try to figure out together what's gone wrong. You break the momentum by asking the other person, ‘How did we get to this tense place?' Then you do something the experts call ‘splitting.' Splitting is when you clarify your own motives by first saying what they are not and then saying what they are. Then you try to reidentify the mutual purpose of the conversation.”

Instead of using the traditional Myers-Briggs test to define one's personality, a better choice is to look at the Big Five traits: extroversion, conscientiousness, neuroticism, agreeableness, and openness.

Finally, he sums everything up with this lovely paragraph: “She who only looks inward will find only chaos, and she who looks outward with the eyes of critical judgment will find only flaws. But she who looks with the eyes of compassion and understanding will see complex souls, suffering and soaring, navigating life as best they can.”

For a taste of David Brooks, take a look at his interview with Action for Happiness host Dr. Mark Williamson here.

Summary: If we want to address the crisis of loneliness and the lack of community in American society, we need to learn how to listen and know others.

Both of David Brooks' last two books I had decided not to read, and then I changed my mind once I read reviews of them. But both of them had significant weaknesses, and Brooks was not yet ready to write either book. He wrote the books because he was an author and because writing and research are part of how he processes his own issues. He published because he was on deadline, not because he was really finished processing them. Because of this history, I again did not intend to pick up How to Know a Person. But again, I was drawn to them because of two podcasts. Curt Thompson interviewed him on Faith Angle. And then, more personally, he was interviewed by his real-life friend Kate Bowler on her podcast Everything Happens. These are very different podcasts. Curt Thompson is a Psychiatrist who has written about spiritual formation, the soul, shame, and neuroscience. That conversation is more about the technical issues of friendship, what relationships do for us, and why we need them. But it is easy to tell that Kate and David are not just acquaintances but actual friends who really do get together regularly. They talked about calling one another and going over to each other's homes to talk when needed. And that very personal conversation showed the aspect of how David has put into practice what he has been writing about for the past decade. That “putting into practice what he has been learning” which made me want to pick up How to Know a Person.

How to Know a Person has a mix of scientific research about how to listen, seek out friends, and why that is important. But the emotional center of the book is the three chapters telling the story of the suicide of David's oldest friend a few years ago. The main chapter is a revision of an essay he wrote not too long after the suicide. He grappled with that suicide and told the story of his friend's depression and how he tried to help. The two additional chapters are about what he learned afterward about depression and suicide and what advice he would have now for those who are either grappling with depression and suicide or those who have loved ones who are. All of these chapters are well-written, careful, and helpful. There is no silver bullet, but some things may be helpful.

Even if suicide or depression are not a concern for you and those around you, this is a helpful book that will have to be put into practice to be helpful. It is not a “three simple steps to be a better person” book. But a framing of how he understands the world to work, along with some advice about how to approach life so that you have a better chance of being a good friend and having good friends.

How to Know a Person is not a perfect book, but it feels like a book he was fully ready to write, unlike the previous two. As a spiritual director who spends much time in one-on-one conversations about intense and personal things, I found the advice and approach helpful. It is a book that I would recommend to most people, especially if you spend much time in conversation or would like to spend more time in conversation.

This review was originally posted on my blog at https://bookwi.se/how-to-know-a-person/