If This Gets Out

12.15.2021 Update:

This is so good omg. makes me want to scream “Fuck Simon Cowell” at the top of my lungs but this book is totally not inspired by that man and a certain boyband he may or may not have formed on the XFactor on July 23rd, 2010...

Alexa play One Direction

Prereview:

I may or may not have a tattoo that may or may not reference two songs that people may or may not associate with a certain conspiracy theory about a popular boyband and two of it's members that may or may not be the first thing people think of when they read the synopsis of this book

but anyways I am 100% the target audience for this book so I need it asap please and thank you

but I got the tattoos because I like those songs, not because of other reasons implied

DNF @ Page 136

So, here's the thing: I'm probably not enough of the target demographic for my opinion on this to matter.

I'm a woman who had a bisexual panic around age 14 or so, while growing up in an extremely bigoted area, where I fought tooth and claw to internally convince myself I was Definitely Straight??? because being anything else was a Big Terrible Thing???. So Zach's struggle? Yeah, I get it. Been there, had the bi panic, did all the mental gymnastics trying to deny it to my own self. But I did that when I didn't know a single person who wasn't straight (as far as they claimed) - when everyone around me was preaching hellfire and brimstone and hatred. Unlike Zach, I didn't have a gay best friend (though I wished I did, hello first crush on another girl). I didn't have any exposure to people who accepted anything other than stringent straightness.

I'm still closeted to my family and people I know locally, for fear of judgment or ostracizing. So, yeah, I also get Ruben's struggle against being forced to repress who he is and be secretive about it. But the thing is: his family knows, and doesn't care. His friends know, and support him. He literally gets to secretly hook up with other guys whenever he wants, and the only secret is that the public of his fans doesn't know. He's partly out, and safe to be so. Yeah, his situation sucks, but I can't relate to it. At all. I can't relate to being able to go to some party, flirt with some woman without fear of what might happen as a result, hook up without consequence, and worry only about making sure some fan (can't relate to having those) won't see it and gossip on the internet. I have to worry that I'm not hitting on a straight woman, for sake of not getting harmed. I have to worry that I don't even hint at being into other women, for sake of not having to find out the hard way just which people I care about will throw me away like a worthless piece of trash when they discover that about me.

So, honestly, their struggles feel kind of farcical to me. I know they're real struggles other people face, and I know their situations are unfortunate, but it just... isn't as relatable as I'd have hoped. It feels so sugar-coated. It never feels like either of them are at any risk, other than “oops maybe they'll lose their place in this band and stop being extremely rich as a result.” Totally unfair to have to face that, yes. But it's a far cry from the fear of being beaten to death and disowned by everyone they love that many queer people face when deciding where, how, and when to come out.

And that's not the only thing I can't relate to. Having an intimate moment with someone then fouling it up catastrophically because nobody involved comprehends the concept of communication, everyone involved likes to jump to wild and illogical conclusions about each others' motives without asking first, then proceeding to mutually treat each other like dog shit while growing ever more bitter instead of just growing the hell up and communicating...? Not only can't relate, but have very little tolerance for such annoyances in my entertainment.

So I feel like, I'm right there at the edge of the potential target demographic, but not close enough to actually enjoy this.

Maybe if the book were more engaging, I'd stick through it. But realistically, I borrowed this from the library 14 days ago and my hold ends at 3am tomorrow. I'm not about to cram 280 pages into my day when I'd rather be over here streaming Cowboy Bebop (the anime) until midnight instead. It's just not happening. If I haven't managed to get any further than the 136th page in fourteen days, this book just isn't going to hold my attention.

And that's kind of the big problem I have with it. It's so dull! The melodrama is too much, the only interesting characters are relegated to mere background pieces which barely do anything despite being the most intriguing element of the book. I want to know more about Jon's struggle against his father's gross sexualization of him as the band manager (owner?). I want to know more about Angel's struggle with addiction. I don't want to know more about how at age 18 Ruben still hasn't learned to tell his micromanaging, emotionally abusive, over-criticizing mother to shut up and Zach hasn't learned how to hold adult conversations with people whose feelings he's hurt. And I especially don't want to read about how both Zach and Ruben have the collective communication and critical thinking skills of a blank index card.

This book should have been pruned - I'm into the third or fourth chapter of this nonsensical back-and-forth drama between Zach and Ruben which could have easily been ended with like two sentences of communication - and needs a lot more plot to make it interesting. That or character depth of a kind that isn't a snooze-fest. (See again: more Angel and Jon; less Zach and Ruben, please and thanks.) I also found that the two POV characters just... don't sound different enough. It's hard to keep track of whose head the chapter is presented from, except for the clues based on sexuality, family relationships, etc. In the same vein, none of the dialogue sounded authentic to me and when all the characters were in a scene together, their names could have easily been interchanged with no impact because the speaking voices were too similar and I didn't spot any unique mannerisms to aid in distinction.

Overall, it just felt like mindlessly scrolling through a bandfic on AO3 - which in itself was a little discomfiting because no thanks - vaguely wondering what would happen but with no true interest or concern for the answer. And the truth is, I just don't care enough to continue.