Interview with the Vixen

Look, this book and I were doomed from the start - roughly around the point where it carelessly wrote out my favourite character by saying, and I quote, that he was on a “fishing trip or whatever.”How can you do my boy Juggie so dirty when he's a prime candidate to provide exquisite vampiric existential dread?! I mean, seriously, the broody loner gets written out? There's just so much wasted potential! He never had to be the main character, but if Cheryl and Reggie can have their own chapters and new characters can be invented to add villain drama? Well, there's frankly no reason Jughead couldn't have been included. None at all.Hell, he could have even been the friend who pitched in to help Veronica research vampirism and find niche stores to buy vampire hunting supplies. Creepy, weird things and research are his jam in at least one iteration of the Archie ‘verse. But nope. That role goes to Dilton instead.Which, don't get me wrong there - I absolutely loved Dilton's role in this. He's a character who was done so dirty in Riverdale, he absolutely deserves a chance to shine. Seeing him get that chance was one of the very few good things about slogging through this book. I'm just salty because Jughead Jones is one of the so-called ‘core four' characters and he was written out with a handwaved “or whatever.”That's right, I've already dragged out two gifs before I've even started talking about the plot of the book. You just know this one's gonna be a doozy! So buckle up and prepare for a rollercoaster ride I like to call All I Wanted Was Campy Vampire Horror; Instead, I Got Faux-Feminism and A Headache.So, let's start at the beginning with important things to note. First, this book has nothing to do with the first Archie Horror instalment. They take place in totally different continuities and are written by completely different people. Werewolves from the first book are just plain humans here, and the dead victims of said werewolves are alive and kickin' as well. It's very much a standalone, though I would strongly suggest reading [b:A Werewolf in Riverdale 44575180 A Werewolf in Riverdale (Archie Horror, #1) Caleb Roehrig https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1585292853l/44575180.SY75.jpg 69184670] instead for a quick, fun dose of campy horror that doesn't take itself seriously. This book, on the other hand... hoo boy does it ever try way too hard to make some kind of hamfisted, clunky social commentary by slamming readers over the head with buzzwords at every turn and literally spelling out the ‘metaphor' of vampirism.See, normally, if vampirism is a metaphor it's left to the readers to figure that out. It'll be obvious in cleverly crafted ways, rather than spelled out directly on the page. That's not the case, here. No, here, we have page after page of literally writing out that Veronica feels as if the vampiric transformation has freed her from the shell of societal (and familial) expectations. Instead of subtle hints, we get preachy paragraph after preachy bloody paragraph of how Veronica - a teenager - deserves to be taken seriously as a potential business partner for her dad and doesn't like the oh-so-burdensome expectations of being financially privileged and thus living in high society. (Cry me a river, V.) Woe is her, it's so difficult when everyone expects her to be demure and well put-together and sometimes she just wants to be sassy and wear fishnet stockings and a revealingly cut dress! Sometimes, she just feels so angry about her dad not taking her seriously that she thinks it could very well justify wanting to see him dead. Sometimes, she just wants to vamp out and sink her fangs into a blood bag in the middle of a library, and anyone who dares try to stop her is obviously just a misogynist. They clearly just don't want to see her look ‘ugly' and aren't, y'know, trying to prevent her from losing control and slaughtering everyone or terrifying the masses with proof that monsters are real.Y'all, when I say it's exhausting, I mean it is ex-haust-ing. I mean I wasn't even joking about getting a headache from all the mental gymnastics the characters performed. Take this, for example:It helps a little when she gets to her own room. [...] She wants to run in and dive beneath her crisp white covers, gather up all her clothes and accessories and vital beauty products, but it would take time they just don???t have.She darts in and grabs a lipstick anyway, and when Dilton frowns she flips him off. ???This is important,??? she says. ???Stop devaluing femininity because you think it equates to weakness, Dilton.???Girl, you are trying to rescue a hostage while his captor is distracted, and you detoured for a fucking lipstick. Shut up with your fake wokeness; Dilton has every right to be disgusted. I'm disgusted!It gets worse, though.Veronica is portrayed consistently as a vapid, shallow, whiny brat who cares more about things like fashion and makeup and celebrities than anything else other than her own perceived level of power. Don't believe me? She's legitimately the level of Bimbo Stereoptype who replaces Mother Mary with Meghan Markle when making mental exclamations during a time of crisis.Maybe it wasn???t anybody at all???perhaps it was only a deer that she hit.Please, Jesus and god and mother Meghan Markle, let it have been a deer.Considering she's Catholic in at least one continuity, I found this especially jarring, but it's also just plain stupid regardless of religion. I mean, let's be blunt, here. Who the hell speaks like that?! And even if you can think of the one, single person in the real world who might speak that way, surely they wouldn't think that way to themselves after having a life-altering accident wherein they possibly caused the death of a friend.(Bonus pedantic point of interest: the Christian deity is supposed to get a capital ‘G' because it's treated as a name. Uncapitalized ‘god' is like ‘dog,' but ‘God' is like ‘Fido' - one's a type of thing, the other is the name of a specific thing. Then again, knowing how pathetically shallow and stereotypical this version of Veronica is, she was probably calling upon a random demigod who presides over fashion.)Unfortunately, the other main female points of view, Betty and Cheryl, aren't much better. Betty comes across as a horribly selfish girl who's struggling with the occasional emergence of a conscience and Cheryl is a self-centered mean girl who mistreats others then acts shocked that nobody truly likes or wants to spend time with her. And while those are indeed facets of their personalities in other media, it becomes all they are instead of small parts of realistic, flawed characters.For a story written by a woman, I expected better than a mess of tired, old tropes and stereotypical personalities hidden behind a veneer of allegedly feminist views. It's kind of stunning, really.At one point, Betty even deliberately watches scary movies with Archie so she has an excuse to snuggle him... then remarks in her mind how ‘simple' straight guys are for doing things like being protective over scared partners during horror films. (You know, the exact thing she set Archie up to do because she wanted the contact.)Then, she and Veronica act as if it's Archie's fault that they're bickering over who gets to date him - ironically, treating Archie like the very same ‘thing to have' Veronica spends a chapter complaining others view her as. What, are they just helpless little girls who cannot possibly exercise autonomy to either agree to walk away if Archie won't make a choice, not pursue him, or decide which of them will ask him out...? News flash, kiddos: nobody is ‘stringing you along' if you're both willingly and knowingly pursuing him while well aware he is not ready or willing to commit to just one of you. You can't blame a guy for accepting the affection handed to him by his lady-friends when they're clearly willing, he's clearly willing, and nobody involved is in a committed relationship. That's what we call casual dating or having friends with benefits, and if you don't like that arrangement then it's fairly simple to not get into it.But I digress. Not because there aren't even more things of this nature which pissed me off in the book, but rather because I'm legitimately just sick of the topic and there are other things to criticize... and, surprisingly, also praise. (But mostly criticize.)This is also where I break out my trusty friend the list, because I just plain don't have the mental energy to try forming all of these little points into articulate, flowing paragraphs. Also because I can't be bothered to try circumventing the review length limit when I've already ranted so hard my fingers ache.THE GOOD* Cheryl and Veronica's dynamic toward the middle of the book onward was exquisite. I enjoy seeing a new friendship grow, nurtured by mutual understanding in a time of crisis.* As I already mentioned, I loved the role Dilton played as the anti-vampire weapon supplier and lore researcher.* In an attempt to find a silver lining in the darkness, I'm going to say I'm glad Juggie wasn't around to be wrongly accused of misogyny when he, I dunno, breathed in Veronica's general direction. My fave deserves better, anyway.* When the focus wasn't being stolen by hamfisted attempts at social commentary, the mental struggle of vampirism against humanity was written fairly well.* The eleventh-hour villain reveal and seeing their power in action was fun. I'd have loved more of that. Psychological horror is my jam, and my peanut butter, and my bread. It's my pb&j sammich, and I want more!THE BAD* The writing style in general grated on my nerves. Though it evened out as the story progressed, earlier portions were laden with so many sentence fragments it made my brain ache. Grammar is our friend, m'kay?* At one point, Veronica steals a motorcycle to use as a getaway vehicle. The suspension of disbelief required for this is enough to cause an aneurysm. You see, first the bike has to have its key left in the ignition. Then, Veronica has to know where the ignition is and how to start the bike since it's not as simple as just turning a key to crank a car. Next, she has to know how to properly handle the bike both in terms of balance and in terms of shifting gears, braking, etc. to avoid becoming roadkill. And on top of all that, we have to assume that the bike is coincidentally the correct size and weight for her, a complete and utter novice, to be able to keep it upright and handle it on turns and not kill herself trying to pretend she's a badass. As someone who grew up around motorcycles, I find this harder to swallow than the idea of vampires being real.* A pyre is lit inside a newly-built hotel on its opening night. No mention is ever made of the sprinklers the building would likely be required to have - not going off, or being disabled. By the way? A person is placed on said pyre. It's a heavy-handed and ridiculous witch trial reference. And, yes, the author holds readers' hands to spell that out directly in the text.THE WTF* The vampires can breathe, have pulses, get adrenaline rushes, and sleep (complete with nightmares). They even sweat and cry! They're supposed to be undead, their eyes turn red, they can shapeshift and partake mind control, and they have retractable fangs... but honestly, they come across more as slightly superpowered humans than vampires. At one point, a group of vampires even appear to be drowning during a battle in a pool. All three hold their breaths and struggle for the surface of the water; the one whose POV is followed at the time even has mention of their lungs burning for air. Please, make it make sense.* The vampires are referred to as strigoi and moroi. From what I could tell, the vampires in this book and lore cited for them don't actually match the real life Romanian lore from whence the terms originate. This is far from the first book to do that - here's looking at [b:Vampire Academy 345627 Vampire Academy (Vampire Academy, #1) Richelle Mead https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1361098973l/345627.SY75.jpg 335933] - but it's still a strange choice to make. Even stranger is the choice to riff on [b:Twilight 41865 Twilight (The Twilight Saga, #1) Stephenie Meyer https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1361039443l/41865.SY75.jpg 3212258] with a “no, of course vampires don't sparkle” reference (pretty sure that was done in Vampire Academy too, based on the wiki text I read) when at least the vampires in Twilight don't carry on with human bodily functions after being turned.* One of the characters invented to be a cartoonish villain in the book is named Theodore Finch. When searching the name to make sure I got it right, I stumbled upon the fact he doesn't exist in actual Archie ‘verse lore. In fact, Theodore Finch is the name of a main character in [b:All the Bright Places 18460392 All the Bright Places Jennifer Niven https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1404331702l/18460392.SY75.jpg 26113532], which was published in 2015. This book was published in 2020, and is loosely based on the comic series Vampironica - in which there is no Theodore Finch, and the character he took the place of is named Ivan. What a... peculiar choice to make.* Most of the vampires in the story are turned by killing them first. However, killing their sire can restore them to human life, as if they'd never been murdered or grown fangs. What?THE ENDThere. I wasted a couple hours of my life trying to articulate the frustration I felt from a book I already wasted a few hours reading when I should've quit earlier. I'd already purchased the book and had such immensely high hopes based on the first instalment of the series, thus it became a challenge. But in the end, I have accomplished nothing, I feel exhausted, and I don't even like the way this review sounds when I read it back pre-posting. Yay me?Truth is: I toss in gifs and attempts at humour to lessen the blow, but dwelling on books I loathe long enough to review them wears me out mentally. I even considered not posting this review at all, but I can't quite bring myself to throw away hours of articulation and replace it with “This was definitely not for me, and I regret finishing it” followed, perhaps, by a gif.Here's to me learning - yet again - to just cut ties with books that make me grumpy.