Modern Romance

In Five Words or Less: Non fiction with touches of comedy.

BLUF: Best for those looking for romance via the internet (good tips and tricks), but good for those simply interested in what Aziz has to offer.

PLOT IMO: Aziz Ansari and Eric Klinenberg introduce modern romance to their readers (or listeners), discussing how romance has changed from prior decades, how we do online dating wrong, and how we can make the most out of digital connections/online dating.


The Good

Audiobook: The audiobook was wonderful. Not only does Aziz narrate it, but he also has special asides for his listeners.

Nonfiction with a twist: I LOVE what is happening with nonfiction lately (or, maybe, what I have just come to notice with nonfiction). I love that nonfiction does not have to be dry and hard to comprehend. I can't tell you have many subjects interest me, but the old texts in the library – ugh – I can only read the same page so many times. Now? We can pick up subjects we may or may not be interested in and be thrilled to learn about it.

I genuinely don't care about modern romance or learning about it. Truly. I picked this up because it won a Goodreads Choice Award and, you know what? I enjoyed this. Aziz keeps the subject informative, but entertaining.

Reaffirmation: Certain concepts in this book reaffirmed beliefs I have or provided “aha” moments. I included my favorite below as quotes, including why strategies to wait before texting back work and how people who seek to be content rather than seek the best tend to be happier.


The Bad

Boning: It's time for me to admit something: I don't watch/listen to a lot of tv/radio/etc. When I picked up this book, I knew I liked Aziz, but I had not listened to much of his comedy. I can only assume he uses the term “boning” in his acts and that I'm being overly-sensitive, but I'm not a fan of the term and he uses it quite a bit.


My Favorite Tidbits:

“What happens to people who look for and find the best? Well... it's bad news again. Schwartz along with two business school professors did a study of college seniors preparing to enter the workforce. For six months, the researches followed the seniors as they applied for and started new jobs. They then classified the students into maximizers, students who are looking for the best job, and satisficers, students who were looking for a job that met certain minimum requirements and was good enough. Here's what they found:

On average, the maximizers put much more time and effort into their job search. They did more research, asked more friends for advice, and went on more interviews. In return, the maximizers in the study got better jobs. They received, on average, a 20% higher starting salary than the satisficers. After they started their jobs though, Schwartz and his colleges asked the participants how satisfied they were. What they found was amazing. Even though the maximizers had better jobs than the satisficers by every psychological measure they felt worse about them. Overall, maximizers had less job satisfaction and were less certain they'd selected the right job at all.

The satificers, by contrast, were generally more positive about their jobs, the search process, and their lives in general. The satificers that had jobs that paid less money, but they somehow felt better about them.”

The Power of Waiting:
Psychologists have conducted hundreds of studies in which they reward lab animals in different ways under different conditions. One of the most intriguing findings is that reward uncertainty in which, for instance, animals cannot predict whether pushing a lever will get them food, can dramatically increase their interest in getting a reward while also enhancing their dopamine levels so that they basically feel coked up.

If a text back from someone is considered a reward, consider the fact that lab animals who get rewarded for pushing a lever every time will eventually slow down because they know that the next time they want a reward, it will be waiting for them.
So basically, if you are the guy or girl that texts back immediately, you are taken for granted and ultimately lower your value as a reward. As a result, the person doesn't feel as much of an urge to text you or, in the case of the lab animal, push the lever.

Listened to this via audiobook, which I highly recommend.

The book itself was okay. It presents some interesting studies and never takes itself too seriously. But I feel that if you're a single person looking for dating advice this might make you feel overwhelmed and not give you too much guidance. The main takeaway is “we have too many choices” and “put more effort into dating”. But I feel like it's too general.

I DO recommend this for anyone in committed relationships who want a glimpse at what single life is like today. It'll make you glad you don't have to deal with this anymore.