Royal Bastards

Update: It has come to my attention that I accidentally made the same joke as another user in this review. Especially when this user is one that I admire and who's reviews I look forward to. I know they probably don't trust me anymore, but please know that it was never my intent to copy them and it was purely coincidental. While I did like their review before hand that contained that joke, it was before they posted the entire thing and I didn't even see it until after I wrote my review. Nonetheless, I have deleted that joke from this review and I just want them to know that I am incredibly, incredibly sorry.

HELL NO/5 stars

Nothing is a bigger joke than that of this book.

Warning: there are unmark spoilers in this review because I just need to express my disintent openly

This book could have been really good? A gang of teens stumble onto a scheme thrown by their parents and have to flee for their lives? Like doesn't that sound amazing. Except it's like those scenes in the Wile E. Coyote and Roadrunner cartoons when there's a beautiful sunset and they are running into it but turns out it's just a really great painting and they slam into a wall.

It's almost like someone noticed a trend of gang-of-misfits in YA fantasy and wanted to jump on that band wagon to get fame and success and money. However, he had no idea how to read so he decided to BS his entire way through the book and pooped this out. This is the most stereotypical fantasy I have ever read in my life and I think I rather throw myself into a volcano before having to read it again.

Urgh and the writing. THE WRITING. Not only is it middle grade style writing mixed in with swear words and sex talk (which doesn't work at all). You could take any of these characters and keep their dialogue and put them in a contemporary and you'd believe it. THESE CHILDREN ARE LIVING IN A FANTASY WORLD AND THEY SPEAK LIKE THEY ARE LIVING IN 2017.

Also, is this suppose to be a fantasy book? With magic? The only magical thing this book seemed to do was make ten days of my life magically disappear. The magic system in this book? If there even was one? The only way to have magic is if you wear these rings. Except when you don't wear the rings you can still have magic. And only people born in this city can have magic. Except if you aren't born in this city, you can still have magic.



I have so many complaints about this book, it's just gonna be easier for all of us if I list them off.

• Girl lives a great life in castle and still complains
• Teenagers do stupid shit and it causes trouble. shocking.
• The kids ARE SO STUPID
• They are running for their LIVES AND PEOPLE ARE TRACKING THEM AND THEY DECIDE TO START A FIRE
• A FIRE
• THAT IS BRIGHT AND PROBABLY HAS SMOKE
• They should have been caught and killed the first night
• But they weren't, of course, as then we wouldn't have gotten even stupider things
• LIKE THEY WERE HIDING/RUNNING FOR OVER A HUNDRED PAGES BEFORE SOMEONE HAD THE BRIGHT IDEA TO DISGUISE THEMSELVES
• Rule #1 when you are trying to hide: DON'T LOOK LIKE YOURSELF
• Also “let's go see our friends who are loyal to our country. wait what do you mean they are trying to kill us? i totally didn't see that coming”
• TILLA ALWAYS JUMPED TO CONCLUSIONS.
• LIKE THEY WERE LIKE “MAYBE IT'S BEST IF YOU STAYED HERE WITH THE PRINCESS”
• AND SHE WAS LIKE “IT'S BECAUSE I'M A GIRL AREN'T I???”
• AND NOT BECAUSE THE PRINCESS PROBABLY TRUSTS HER THE MOST
• And for people who are on the run, they do a whole lot of not running
• more like sitting around and doing nothing
• well Tilla learned how to fight
• and she got really good at fighting in the span of a month
• like GOOD ENOUGH TO OUT FIGHT PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN TRAINING TO FIGHT THEIR ENTIRE LIVES
• sorry I don't think Zell is that great of a teacher
•there was also thsi part when tilla randomly caught a rock in midair and she was all like “look at how badass I am”
• like sit down girl you are the opposite of badass for catching a rock
• more stupid stuff happens
• like “why is this mine shaft abandoned? let's go inside”
• I know they were running from people BUT DON'T GO INTO THE ABANDONED MINE SHAFT YOU IDIOTS USE COMMON SENSE
• They also start talking about scientific stuff like kinetic energy THIS IS A FANTASY WORLD YOU DON'T KNWO WHAT KINETIC ENERGY IS
• And shocker, they get in trouble down in that mine shaft
• The princess almost dies
• So the best thing they can do is get a medicine that has ~~~super rare~~~ ingredients
• so of course they can just go to the nearest town and by the medicine
• and miles decides to come up with an elaborate back story to explain why they need this medicine
• and I'm jsut like “miles no ONE CARES”
• And guess what
• the shop clerk doesn't care
• just like i tried to tell him
• but he didn't listen to me
• but THEY DON'T HAVE MONEY TO BUY MEDICINE shocking
• SO MILES JUST STARTS QUOTING POETRY
• AND THE STORE CLERK IS LIKE “WOW YOU A POETRY FAN”
• HAVE THIS MEDICINE MADE FROM ~~~super rare~~~ INGREDIENTS FOR FREE
• Liek wtf can I just go to the bookstore and start quoting Frost or Eliot and get books for free
• since this is a currency now
• AND THEN THEY GO TO A BAR TO GET A DRINK INSTEAD OF GOING OFF TO SAVE THE DYING PRINCESS AND ZELL'S BROTHER SHOWS UP
• what :) a :) coincidence :)
• but don't worry. they escape without really putting up a fight :)
• because everything is so damn convientent for these bastards
• but then they know that the bad people are still on their tail so they START TALKING ABOUT HOW THEY NEED TO TRAVEL FASTER
• liek I'm sorry. If I was on the run for my lief I'D BE TRAVELING AS DAMN FAST AS I CAN
• but these idiots were talking their goddamn sweet time apparently
• flash forward some
• they end up at this person's house who's relevant somehow????
• and their safe
• suprise! they aren't safe
• awkward sex scene in a pool
• makes me wanna be celibate my entire life :)
• and MILES SOMEHOW SEES
• a little background info: miles is in love with tilla for absolutely no reason
• so instead of moving on with his life like a normal person should
• he decided to throw himself off a cliff
• but then he decides not to throw himself off a cliff
• HE JUST DECIDES TO START A WAR
• this whiny ass toddler STARTS A WAR BECAUSE HE IS FRIENDZONES
• and the end is just like Tilla throwing a bomb and things explode and people die
• Apparently over a thousand people but I seriously doubt that
• and like her dad is there and he hates her but instead of killing her when there's a chance HE JUST WALKS AWAY WITH MILES PROMISING REVENGE
• and then she wakes up two days later
• and it's the last chapter
• and Zell is just like “let's go for a walk”
• so she goes on a walk
• no fooood or water or bathroom break or anything
• A WALK
• if i was out for two days I think I'd forget how to even stand tbh let alone WALK
• and the princess gets kicked out of this cult she's in AND SHE'S LIKE “LOOK I'M A BASTARD TOO”
• stfu princess you aren't special
• then they walk some more
• there's more stuff that annoys me but I think this list is long enough



Now you probably just read all that and are wondering who the eff all those characters are, so let's talk about them. Shall we?

The Six of Crow Wannabees Characters

Tilla. I imagine if someone made a machiene that could personify any object and they threw in a piece of white bread, we'd get Tilla. She thinks she's so ~special~ but all she is is boring and unrelatable.



Lyriana.I'm actually just guessing on how to spell her name because I don't wanna take the book out of the garbage can, where it belongs to spellcheck. And also that's just how much I care about her. I'm just glad she was there so her magical powers could help everyone out and the most conivent of times. :):):):):)

Zell. Someone please tell the author that 2007 called and wants their male love interest back. He's so broody. And mysterious. And so talented at everything. I just can't. Also his tragic backstory is that he couldn't keep his dick in his pants, or respect his brother, but then did respect his brother, and then his daddy disowned him. Wow. That suddenly makes me feel so sorry for him. I now totally understand his jerkiness. Wow.



Miles. For three years of my life, from ages 15 to 18, I had worked in a daycare environment. I was even a four-year-old daycare teacher. I've seen toddlers cry hysterically because they weren't allowed to drive a firetruck. And yet, I have never seen a bigger tantrum thrown than by Miles. Like I'm sorry the girl you've been pining for your entire life doesn't reciprocate your feelings. But that's not a good enough REASON TO START AN ENTIRE WAR.

Jax. Hahah I almost forgot he was a character. He had the humor of a 12-year-old. I don't remember anything else he did except die.

Conclusion?

So let's be real here.

I am so effing glad I am done with this book adn I never have to see it again.

I tried to love it, I really did, but it didn't want me to love it. If you love it, I'm happy for you. I wish I was with you on that.

I don't throw one stars out this easily, trust me, but urgh this book can have all the one star ratings it wants.

Whatever. Later guys. Emi out.