The Course of Love

I think I heard this book recommended on a podcast, but I don't remember which one or in what context it was recommended - something rather insightful was said, I would wager, such that I immediately requested the book from my library.

I wish I could say I loved it, but I feel pretty lukewarm. On the one hand, this is an insightful longitudinal study in a very ordinary marriage, allowing the reader into the view of how epic and dramatic any ordinary marriage becomes. I thought the pieces of relationship psychology were interesting and are well-supported by the literature (according to my friend who majored in Psychology and gets an intellectual hard-on anytime “attachment theory” is mentioned). I dog-eared a bunch of pages to make sure I write down and internalize what is unequivocally good relationship advice.

But on the other hand, the writing leaves me unimpressed. It reads like a didactic case study, not a novel (and I should know, I work in textbooks). The characters are over-explained - classic telling vs showing (come on, that's Good Writing 101!). The dialogue is forced, if not cringe-worthy, and I skimmed a whole lot. But the parts that hit home will stay with me a long time.

So... maybe pick this up, but more as a kind of cheesy educational resource than an exciting read.

One sentence synopsis... A post-happily-ever-after love story told by a wise, all-seeing narrator and sprinkled with philosophical reflections. .

Read it if you like... 500 Days of Summer, both in it's use of a detached, sincere, and sometime humorous narrator and also the reality of the romance. .

Dream casting... Dev Patel as Rabih and Normal People's Daisy Edgar-Jones as Kirsten.

An intimate journey with a couple of mixed origin. A means to think over the difficulties a modern couple has to face throughout their lives. A reflection on what it means to be a good wife or husband, or partner, and a way to survive with all our imperfections, without being alone with someone on the other side of the bed. There a gems here, thoughts that will make you want to re-read this particular book, paragraphs you might feel tempted to save just in case...

The author employs a pleasant and enjoyable writing style that is well-paced, clear and easy to understand. The book maintains an appropriate length for the story being told. However, there are instances where characters engage in unnatural dialogue, occasionally veering into monologues that reflect the author's “philosophical voice” rather than the character's authentic expression. Moreover, the overall structure of the book can be categorised into two distinct aspects: the fictional narrative and the italicised author's thoughts. While these italicised segments offer the author's opinions on the fictional story, they sometimes disrupt the flow of the narrative and appear contrived.

The blend of fiction and non-fiction in The Course of Love is intriguing, and when successful, effectively conveys the author's argument. Unfortunately, the fictional aspect can be rather dull. While the characters are mostly believable, with the exception of moments of monologuing, their portrayal greatly accentuates their flaws. Whilst acknowledging that people can indeed have negative aspects, the novel tends to overemphasise these flaws, dwelling excessively on the negative aspects of their lives. It is apparent that this is the author's intention in advocating for an “anti-Romantic” worldview, but the narrative goes too far in this direction, sapping all joy from the world.

Ultimately, if you have watched any School of Life videos on this topic before, this novel does not say anything new; nor does the fiction/non-fiction hybrid justify its existence.

The novel's central thesis is thus: Life is challenging, and we should give up romantic ideals; not because it will make us happier, but because it makes this disappointing world “good enough”. However, in this pursuit, the novel over-emphasises this aspect of life, portraying a pretty miserable existence. There's very little depiction of the happy moments in life from this anti-Romantic lens, with the one or two exceptions where the main characters enjoy a fancy hotel dinner or a family photograph. Even here, though, this joy lasts merely the evening at most. In fact, I would almost be willing to argue that de Botton's anti-Romanticism romanticises misery. I would have liked to seen the novel explore a more positive, happy rendition of what an anti-Romantic worldview looks like. In its current rendition, it seems pretty depressing.

P.S. The author kind of justifies infidelity and lying about it, because that is the more correct representation of the character's love for his partner, rather than telling the truth and destroying the marriage.

———Writing: 4/5, story: 2/5, and impact: 2/5. 

The School of Life - a massively popular YouTube channel - used to be this source of solace in some turbulent times of my college life. It is not something that you'd think would be cheerful and uplifting - a quick glance at some of the most popular videos of theirs would include titles such as ‘Why we go cold on our partners,' ‘Why you will marry the wrong person' etc. The honest yet straightforward manner in which the narrator calmly tells us that even though it might feel like this is the worst possible time of your life, it is not usually so - it was a comforting thought - to feel and accept that things are fucked up and move on with quiet resignation.

Alain De Botton is the founder of the said channel as well as the author of this book.

The Course of Love is Alain's critique of what's wrong with the society's current perspective of love and marriages. Romanticism - the idea that the briefest of glances of some stranger is the formulation of a satisfying relationship, the idea of soul-mates and the happily ever after - is one of the most mistakenly understood facets of life. The story revolves around two fictional characters who meet each other at work, fall in love, get married, have children and go through the whole process of frustrations and resignations and disappointments that constitutes a married life. Through this fictional story, Alain gives us some of the most profound insights into how love and relationships work in real life - quite unlike how they happen in stories. He writes in one of the passages -

“Our understanding of love has been hijacked and beguiled by its first distractingly moving moments. We have allowed our love stories to end way too early. We seem to know far too much about how love starts, and recklessly little about how it might continue”.

“At the heart of a sulk lies a confusing mixture of intense anger and an equally intense desire not to communicate what one is angry about. The sulker both desperately needs the other person to understand and yet remains utterly committed to doing nothing to help them do so. The very need to explain forms the kernel of the insult: if the partner requires an explanation, he or she is clearly not worthy of one. We should add: it is a privilege to be the recipient of a sulk; it means the other person respects and trusts us enough to think we should understand their unspoken hurt. It is one of the odder gifts of love”.

After watching Alain de Botton's insightful ‘School of life' videos on YouTube, I was very excited to read this book, and I must say I enjoyed it a lot. The book is quotation factory, in good sense. It flips back and forth between novel and self-help book, but you don't feel annoyed by it. If you have cherished view of romantic love then you need to read this book to keep yourself grounded on earth so that you don't hurt yourself when love loses its wings.