The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity

This is a very broad view on modern relationship complexities, in particular those resulting in “betrayal.” But is it indeed a sign of disloyalty? The author takes a deep dive into many different types of romances, different reasons - both from the perspective of the partner straying or the one being betrayed, then again - from the perspective of the pair itself. The known therapist proposes a new approach to relationships for the XXI century, some would even say - a revolution as to how we define marriage and what it entails.

Twice, early on, I almost abandoned it: the first few chapters seemed targeted toward what I can only refer to as Obliviots and my constant eyerolls were straining unaccustomed muscles. Each time I put the book down, though, I mused: this is Perel; she's smarter than this. And I stuck with it, and she is, and I'm glad. Perel delivers again: The State of Affairs is insightful, informative, and compassionate. A little too unquestioning of the post-agriculture model for my taste, with not even token discussion of human social evolution, but I can understand and accept that.

Insightful: Perel raises thought-provoking issues about affair discovery, deliberate or not, in the smartphone age and the new forms of pain that come from TMI. She discusses changing social mores (only over the last century) and posits a reasonable-sounding hypothesis for why some modern people are so taken aback by discovering an infidelity in their relationship. She does so frankly, without judgment or condemnation.

Informative: infidelity has the curious trait of being highly explosive yet also frightfully dull: there's the standard script with indignation, anger, vindictiveness, blah blah—so tedious. Perel, refreshingly, has little truck with that. She recommends instead a spirit of open inquiry, curiosity, generosity. You know, being human. Whatever the ultimate outcome, it makes for better people and relationships all around. Perel is also a fan of the ‘C' word (hint: it rhymes with ‘bommunication') and finds what I think are promising ways to encourage it in relationships where it's been lacking.

Compassionate: Perel isn't entirely judgment-free: she has little tolerance for cruelty or abuse, including the passive kinds, but otherwise she holds space for all parties involved... including the oft-ignored third. This is what ultimately sold me on the book and pushed it to four stars; this is why I'll recommend the book even though I have no idea right now whom to recommend it to. Perel shows us our humanity in a way that our cultural habits often prevent us from seeing. She offers us a chance to break out of autopilot and develop better selves and better relationships.

(And finally, if you're awake enough to ask: yes, she covers ethical nonmonogamy and gives it very fair coverage. It's near the end, and guardedly shy of enthusiastic, but this is new and unwelcome territory for many people. She needed to build up to it.)