Mommy Burnout

I DNF this at 57%..

Mommy Burnout gave me so many emotions that I can't imagine the book intended to provoke - I felt anxious, angry, and stressed. The majority of this frustration was from Chapter 3 because of the portrayal of Linda.

Linda's initial introduction in this chapter is when her family came to therapy together. Her family consists of a very sick youngest kid, two stressed older kids, Linda as the overwhelmed mom, and a busy dad. The book doesn't touch on the youngest kid (I assume he as in the hospital instead of the sessions), but describes how the older kids seem to overcome their stress, the dad was able to work better because of having less stress*, but Linda remained stressed to the core. Therapy sessions were reduced because they came as a family unit and the majority were less stressed.

The chapter continued on, but I couldn't move past this story.

I assume that reducing sessions because of the group dynamic was the practical, real life solution, but this is a book about mommy burnout. Where is the happy ending?** When, where, and how does the mom find relief? Don't get me wrong, I would be genuinely happy that my kids and spouse were less stressed, but I refuse to believe that the happy ending in this scenario, in a book about mommy burnout and whose audience is moms suffering from burnout, leaves the mom still stressed to the core.

I know I paused mid chapter and that there was potentially a happy ending to follow, but I couldn't stop wondering how I could possibly apply this scenario to my own life. The take away here seemed to be that it's okay for me to drown as long as everyone else is fine. I don't accept that. *I also don't accept that the best outcome for dads is for them to be less stressed so they can work better. Can you imagine if someone said the same towards working moms? Aw man, dad is completely overwhelmed with life and the kids, but hey, look at mom rocking it at work! She should totally keep all her focus on that. I'm not saying work or financial stability isn't important and I'm not saying that every family is the same. I am saying that I am offended at the idea that a dad's/husband's success is measured solely through his ability to financially support his family. Because my stress levels are high and I am offended, this may be more of a molehill than a mountain, especially since the book, up until this point, hadn't focused on dads contribution to the family. There is also mention that the less stress came from more “me” and family time, so perhaps the point was that he chose to make time for himself and his family, which then allowed him to be more successful elsewhere in his life. I'll tell you what though, this is not how it felt the first listen.

The next Linda scenario describes her conflicts with her mother and how these conflicts were primarily Linda's fault. It talked about how Linda was easily offended and reactive towards her mother, even when it was uncalled for. I get that it's that Linda's fault for the relationship, but where is the resolution? According to the book, the resolution was for Linda to set aside her differences by appreciating what her mother could give and not dwell on what her mother couldn't give, focusing on her mother's strengths, agreeing to disagree, tackling old relationship issues, learning to compromise because “the benefit of a close connection outweigh the costs”, connecting on your commonalities, and creating two way conversations (by asking questions about her mother's experiences).

Like with the previous scenario, I am left with the overwhelming feeling that everything is Linda's fault and that Linda (and the reader) needs to ignore their feelings in order to support their relationships. I currently appreciate what my mother can give (a visit to the family) and not what my mother can't give (a visit to my entire family - my spouse and often incidentally, my stepson, are excluded) and I don't think it's a healthy way to deal with a situation. The compromise erodes my relationship with my spouse, makes me feel shameful for not being able to successful set boundaries that allow my family - my whole family - to be present, and deadens my feelings towards my mother. Wouldn't establishing healthy boundaries go a lot further? I mean, this chapter is titled “I know my mom is just trying to help, but she's doing too much”, right?

I did not expect or appreciate the push to have family in your life, regardless of how toxic the relationship, on the basis of moms needing support. I think the emphasis here should be that moms need support. Toxic or stress-inducing family/in-laws are not support, even if that mom is the fault of their own drama. If you wanted to talk to me about mommy burnout back when I was around my in laws all the time, I would have started with how they felt compelled to say at least one negative thing towards me each time we stopped by, even if it was about the exact same thing that they praised their biological children for previously. That's not support. You don't have to know your worth to know that it's not worth putting yourself in an unhealthy position for the sake of having a relationship. Doing so seems counterproductive to resolving mommy burnout. (I do maintain a relationship with my and his parents, but it's healthy because of the distance. A close connection does not outweigh the cost.)

When I first listened to this chapter, I was too wound up to focus on the solutions at the end of the chapter. The solution for Linda (and the readers) was to rebuild her “tribe”. The book advises readers to assign friends to each area of our lives, trust others and loosen up on control, stop and say hello to our neighbors instead of running straight into our house, look to the people that are already close by and in our world and take small steps towards connecting with them, join a local club/class/group, follow our passions and interests to your new communities, talk to the people in our daily life, take time to get to know all the people we see every day, and create a leadership role for ourselves (HOA board member, neighborhood watch captain, etc.).

Overall, this seems like good advice and I understand that inserting some purpose into your life and having support systems are incredibly beneficial, but I have a lot of questions: Is the leadership role assuming that moms feel no control or power elsewhere in their life or is this on top of other things that give us purpose and control, like work? Why should moms keep or maintain relationships for the sake of having relationships? Shouldn't these relationships be meaningful or focused on quality over quantity? Why is every solution so extroverted? When does the payout hit for introverts, who are emotionally taxed by these sort of action items? Where is the mom's immediate family - is it assumed that the spouse and kids are helping?

As a total aside, I don't know if it was this chapter or another, but the book recommended walking up to someone at the gym and becoming friends. I am so self conscious and love that I can blend in at the gym. If someone came up to talk to me and beelined to me every time they saw me at the gym, I would be friendly, but completely mortified. Am I really the minority in feeling this way? I will chat at any time and place, to be polite, but I would switch my time at the gym to avoid this situation.

**Linda doesn't earn her happy ending in this chapter. I feel so tense not knowing if she was ever relieved of her stress. (She has to be, right? Why else would she get such a critique?) I can't let go of my frustration long enough to finish the book.