Suicide Notes

TRIGGER WARNING for suicide, ableism, sexual assault, victim blaming, incompetent mental health professionals, body shaming, eating disorder shaming, mental illness shaming, homophobia (internalized and otherwise), and extremely poor handling of LGBT+ concerns. This warning, by the way, is far more than the book offers - though, of course, a couple are obvious from the title and blurb. I will be discussing several of these things, and the book contains all of them.

Pardon any incoherent moments, as I had to remove over 7,000 characters worth of review and rewrite around that to fit the Goodreads size limit.

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This book is... not good.

When I set out to make this review, I wanted to not be “mean,” but I've come to the conclusion that if I'm going to be honest, then I have to lead with how bad I think the book is. I've been expecting this verdict since the second chapter, wherein the staff of a hospital's psychiatric ward actively refused to tell a teenage patient where he was yet also used shady, gaslighting language like “I think you know why you're here” when he discovered his location and asked about it. I knew this would be a downhill slide into a garbage heap, yet I foolishly clung to the trash can lid and rode it like a sled all the way to the city dump.

Why? Because teenage mental health is important to me. It should be important to everyone, of course, but I've been there. I've been on the brink, I've struggled with mental illness since I was barely even a teenager - if not possibly before I was first assessed. I never got to have the extensive help I most certainly needed when I was young and I read for a sense of escapism most of the time, so I was hoping for something I could vicariously experience that through. I wanted to see a world where it's easier for troubled teens to get the help they need - where no matter how low the main character starts, or how deeply he's in denial of needing help, he ultimately comes around to accept that he can't keep lying to himself. I wanted to see his path from being an ableist little turd to realizing the error of his ways, because that would've been cathartic for me.

In many ways, this tiny shred of misplaced optimism and the gnawing urge to discover why the main character, Jeff, tried to commit suicide kept me reading even when I knew the ride wasn't going to be fun. Surely, I believed, it would all be worthwhile in the end.

Yeah, no. It absolutely wasn't a worthwhile journey. If it can even be called a journey. Jeff's character development could be measured with a micrometer! In fact, the symbol for a micrometre is ??m, which looks like “um,” which is the perfect way to describe my reaction when I reached the end of this book. Just... “um.” The middle had an awful lot of anger involved, which I'll explain later, but by the end I just felt at a loss for words.

I can see what the author attempted to do with this book. He mentions, in the acknowledgements and attached Q-and-A section at the end, that he wants to bring awareness to the struggle of young people with mental illness. That's a noble cause, sure. But this just ain't it, chief. This is less a story about awareness, acceptance, or healing and more a story about a troubled gay teen deep in denial, lashing out with harsh judgement, ableist remarks, and outright slurs at anyone else remotely like him. Jeff never stops referring to the others as “whack-jobs” or “nutcases,” just decides eventually to class himself amongst them. And the one or two times that someone calls him and his friends out for being needlessly cruel when they mock others' mental illnesses, it's shoved aside and treated as that person being a buzzkill. You see, that's “just how they cope” and therefore it's totally okay. (It really isn't, and it pisses me off that I have to say that because the book itself doesn't.)

But I think the biggest problem I have with this book, if I had to pick only one, is that the author's cluelessness drips off every page. From Jeff's narrative voice sounding far younger than intended to the fact he never actually seems depressed or suicidal, I didn't need the Q-and-A to inform me that the author hasn't been low enough to contemplate or attempt killing himself. From the completely incompetent way the psychiatric ward staff in this book handle their patients to the nearly-impossible circumstances which arise (more on those later), I didn't need the Q-and-A to inform me that the author has never been in a psych ward. Even the one thing he mentions having experience with - seeing a therapist - is very heavily fictionalized in this book to the point I'd have guessed a cursory knowledge at best, with a heavy focus on television and movies.

Is it bad that he has no first-hand experience? Of course not! But it's bad that the lack of experience is so glaringly obvious, suggesting a complete lack of research. And when dealing with such heavy topics, especially in a book aimed toward a teenage audience, that's something I feel is just plain inexcusable.

I know I must sound harsh right now, but we're approaching the stuff that really ground my gears until the little metal pegs on them snapped off and my brain was left uselessly churning in its own fury. I keep trying to be polite and articulate, but it's difficult when I could save so much time and frustration making a list of things that this book gets right. In fact, for funsies, I'm going to make that list right now.

01. There are absolutely people like Jeff out there, who internalize their self-laothing through outward homophobia and refuse to admit they have mental health issues, to the point they lash out at anyone who says they need help.

02. Some suicidal individuals genuinely do go on to complete the act after being saved. (No, I'm not referring to Jeff, but rather to another character.) Some people “can't be saved” in that they're unwilling to help others help them, keep floundering in denial, and eventually give up when others think they're okay. It's horrible, and it sucks, but it's accurate.

03. This one quip was genuinely hilarious and lowkey relatable: ???What???s love, anyway???? I said. ???I think it???s just something greeting-card makers made up and try to get us to believe in. Between you and me, I???d rather have an Xbox.???

04. There is nothing wrong with being homosexual, and teenagers are indeed old enough to be aware of their preferences.

05. The bond and banter between Jeff and his younger sister, Amanda, felt quite genuine for siblings - especially a pair where the younger sister looks up to her older brother as a sort of role model.

06. Everything about Sadie felt genuinely well-written and believably handled, other than her last appearance. Her personality actually seemed like a teenage girl and she actually seemed to be troubled.

That's it, unfortunately, and I really had to stretch a bit for one third of those.

Now that I've got that out of the way, it's time for the negative bits. Let's start simple by dipping our toes into the least problematic water first. Namely: I hate the narrating voice. Despite being fifteen, Jeff reads more like the preteen protagonist of a middlegrade novel. His sentences are basic, his self-awareness almost non-existent, his rebellion overdone, and his ‘humour' just plain juvenile. The near-constant ‘zingers' are exhausting. There's being a smartass as a coping mechanism, and then there's Jeff. He's the epitome of amping ‘bratty child who needs to be grounded for life with their mouth taped shut' all the way to eleven... and then a little bit further, until the dial falls off and the amp explodes in a shower of electric sparks.

In fact, for most of the book, he calls his therapist by the cringey, childlike, rude nickname of “Cat Poop” - which appears 183 times, according to my search. For comparison's sake, within the CloudLibrary app there are only 184 pages of actual story. That means this book about a topic as serious as teen suicide says ‘poop' at least once per page. In practice, it appears clustered instead with several instances per each page where it appears. Discussing a suicide attempt? Cat Poop! Discussing a sexual assault? Cat Poop! Trying to figure out how to come out of the closet? You gessed it: Cat Poop! Jeff doesn't grow out of this until the final few pages of the book, and by then the one instance of using the right name feels more like the author remembering that it's an easy way to indicate character growth without showing the actual path thereof.

Similarly, the writing style is inconsistent and annoying. It swaps between past and present tense without context or warning, within the same scene where everything should be happening simultaneously. I suppose it may be an attempt to make the narrative conversational, since each chapter covers one day of Jeff's treatment, but it just doesn't work for me. It feels slightly like a diary, but Jeff is too obtuse and secretive about his actual thoughts and feelings for it to be inner reflection. So, what, then? Is the reader just some random stranger who exists outside the group yet also paradoxically within it, being told about everything that happens? It doesn't make sense, thus the inconsistency doesn't work.

Here are some examples which also serve to show how insufferable and juvenile Jeff is in general:

Excerpt 01

Cat Poop introduced me by saying, ???Everyone, this is Jeff.??? And they all went, ???Hi, Jeff.??? Only their voices all sounded the same, like zombies mumbling, ???Mmmm, brains,??? and nobody really looked at me. I didn???t say anything. It???s not like I???m going to be here long enough to make friends.

Excerpt 02

This is my one-week anniversary at Club Meds. Instead of a party, my big surprise was that my parents came to see me. Or they came because someone told them to, at least. Anyway, when I walked into Cat Poop???s office for what I thought was going to be my usual brain-picking session, there they were.

Excerpt 03

Juliet told us that she???s here because she has an eating disorder. I don???t know about that. I mean, she???s not exactly skinny. I asked Sadie if she???s ever heard Juliet yakking up dinner in the bathroom, and she said she hasn???t. So we think maybe Juliet???s got a bunch of other problems she just hasn???t told us about. Yet. I???m sure she will. But really I don???t care.

Excerpt 04

???Stop making fun of her,??? she said, really softly. ???Just stop. It???s not funny.??? Then she sat down again and looked at the floor.

Maybe she had a point. But come on. Someone yelling about being a little piggy going wee-wee-wee all the way home is kind of funny when you think about it. Sure, I feel bad for Alice, but that???s no reason to go all serious. You???ve got to laugh at stuff.

too much

brags

unsafe

sexual discovery and assault in a locker room

supervision

Another patient has to find the one who killed herself, and the screams are the only thing that alert staff.

a suicide

being so depressed for so long that she premeditated with a suicide letter and had time to hoard enough meds that she was dead before anyone found her

kiss and fondle her while she's asleep

she sleepily says it's okay and begins to reciprocate and then he loses his erection because he's just not that into girls despite his best efforts to pretend he is

she kills herself

she may have killed herself because she felt rejected when he couldn't stay aroused

the texture of pubic hair, the response of fondled nipples, the feel of a dick in hand, how cock tastes, or the smell of semen

being shoved down in the shower and forced to perform oral sex to being awakened by someone molesting him and called slurs afterward

he tried to kill himself because his crush on his best friend's boyfriend wasn't reciprocated after he drunkenly kissed the guy

proof he really is gay

"Everything about what we did was scary and weird, but I knew it was what I wanted. Not with Rankin, and definitely not here, but someday with someone else. Someone I like."

Professionalism!

mocks everyone's mental illnesses including her own and suggests that the kid being read the note should slit his wrists to join her.

coming out as gay

THIS HAS SPOILERS IF U DONT WANNA BE SPOILED SKIP NOW...

This book made me cry,laugh and even more emotions came out of me. If your depressed or suicidal please get help before its to late... even tho its not to late to get help. Yes we understand u don't wanna tell people or if u already told somebody and they don't care about it or say your crazy in the head. I understand how it is suicidal or having depression I had it all.. I put it online and had some ppl trying to help me. It didn't work at all. When my mom found out I tried to kill myself she wanted to take me to the ward but I said I didn't need help but I did need it. This book is soooo good I LOVED IT LOVED IT LOVED IT.... The MC tried to kill himself ( he also said that was some of it but not all of it) bc he was in love with his bestfriend boyfriend he kissed him and the bestfriend boyfriend pushed him off and said are u a fag.. and ofc he told his girlfriend that her bestfriend tried to him and that he was gay. He also told his family that he was gay I was happy and excited. Then BOOM a character died...I liked her like she was my favorite character.. I cried when she died.. I HATE WHEN AUTHORS KILL MY FAVORITE CHARACTERS IN THE BOOK AHHHHHH... THIS BOOK IS A FIVE STAR READ