The Fire Never Goes Out: A Memoir in Pictures

For a memoir this feels really vague. I understand that Stevenson may not have wanted to name their diagnosis (diagnoses?) or medication at the end of the book because perhaps they (book was published as Noelle Stevenson, but now is ND or Nate) were still processing what it means to them.

It was fine to talk about bipolar in the beginning of the memoir, but not at the end? Or maybe the diagnosis mentioned at the end of the book is ADHD?

Partway through the book I shared a picture Stevenson drew of the Hulk and I went to wiki to make sure I was using the correct pronouns. There I saw the name change and thought, ah I'll come back to this later, I want to see what the memoir says.

I'll add more to this review later. I'm mulling things over but for now I'll jot down that the introduction was well done and I LOVED the mountain climber part but am really sad that Molly – also an amazing cartoonist– is mentioned so little.

I miss my Santa Cruz days and the gay community I experienced there.

Stevenson doesn't owe anyone anything such as discussing their sexual identity, their mental health, their partner, their gender identity, etc. But it's a memoir and Stevenson does bring each of these topics up and the at times oblique referrals call to mind stigma and shame and it saddens me.

I do really appreciate Stevenson stating “It would have been worth it anyway, but being on medication has in no way lessened my capacity for feeling or creating.”

(7/18/2023) i guess i'm in the mood for graphic memoirs by same-gen creators lately or something? this was fascinating to read mostly because i've seen bits and pieces of ND stevenson's art (and followed multiple projects of his) over the period of time this memoir covers (2009-2019 – and visually 2011-2019) and we were simultaneously on tumblr. i laughed when i saw the very brief pokeymans reference because i remember that unfolding in real time. well, i laughed internally (i was in a library).

i kinda feel like it makes sense to read pageboy next if i'm gonna continue on this theme of reading memoirs by trans and queer creators who are roughly my age. i will say, though, that while yes this book covered a decade and was full of various autobiographical drawings it felt more like, witnessing stevenson's creativity unfold over time in small, encapsulated moments. feels rude to say it wasn't as deep as i'd hoped because like, this is a person's life.

the mid-2010s playlist from the book:

1. riptide (taylor swift version) https://youtu.be/6wyYucOEqV8
2. arctic monkeys - do i wanna know?
3. john-allison weiss - don't go
4. CHVRCHES - keep you on my side
5. the cure - friday i'm in love
6. john-allison weiss - wait for me
7. brandi carlile - wherever is your heart

These lines from 2018 hit hard:

The posts encouraged a narrative that I disagreed with as much as I desperately sought to live up to it: that my accomplishments and my youth gave me value, that I was always in the upward climb, that burnout was an easily resolved footnote. It was as shortsighted as it was unsustainable.

I was doing everything right, I thought: I was working out, going to therapy, taking breaks. I had an incredibly kind and patient partner who was always there for me. I didn't understand why I couldn't just, through force of will, make myself okay.

For so long I'd put all my personal value in my success, as much as I knew that I shouldn't. I had climbed so high, never really stopping to rest, and I was so scared of failing—I didn't think I'd survive it.

I didn't know that failing was exactly what I needed.