Friends, Lovers, and the Big Terrible Thing

This originally appeared at The Irresponsible Reader.

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My mind is out to kill me, and I know it. I am constantly filled with a lurking loneliness, a yearning, clinging to the notion that something outside of me will fix me. But I had had all that the outside had to offer!

What’s Friends, Lovers, and the Big Terrible Thing About?

This isn’t full of—but does contain—some good, behind-the-scenes stuff about Friends, Fools Rush In, The Whole Nine Yards, Mr. Sunshine, The Odd Couple, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, and other projects. But those don’t make up the bulk of the material. And those are interesting, amusing, and support the overall thesis of the book—he’s an addict who has been blessed with more good things than he knows how to handle.

There’s some juicy (largely nameless, but you can read between the lines) bits about his love life—as the title suggests. But again, there’s not much of that overall—and those, too, serve to support the overall thesis—even more than the professional matters do.

Then there’s the Big Terrible Thing—his addictions themselves, how he got started, how he maintained them, and his several attempts to get sober (of varying successes and lengths of success). He also goes into graphic (perhaps too graphic) detail about the physical toll they’ve taken on him—and the financial, emotional, and mental toll they’ve taken on those close to him.

How Perry Comes Across

When this book first came out (or just before it) there were more than a few headlines about some (I’m going to be charitable and call them) questionable jokes he made about Keanu Reeves and some people casting doubt about some of the particulars of some of his stories. Given how impaired he was during most of those disputed events (and just about every other event he recounts), I’m not surprised he doesn’t remember them correctly, and I don’t think it should be held against him. The Reeves jokes, on the other hand, might have seemed like a good idea at the time—but his editors really should’ve stopped them. I jotted down a note after the second one that “someone at Macmillan must have it out for him to let this make it to print.”

But both of those things pale in comparison to everything that Perry admits to in this book. He doesn’t come across as a good guy at all—and I don’t think he’s trying to. Sure, the fact that he’s (seemingly) coming clean about everything and (seemingly) taking responsibility for the lies, destructive behaviors, and despicable actions might make some people want to think better of him—but I don’t think he really wants that.

He comes across—and I realize this could be entirely calculated—as someone who is being honest about his shortcomings, seeking to explain the devastation his addictions have wrought on himself and many, many of those around him—how he’s somehow managed to have some success in the midst of that. He gives credit to some of those who’ve helped him get to this point in recovery—or kept him alive long enough to get there. In the end, however, Perry’s not a good guy and doesn’t pretend to be one. He’s a mess who will very likely kill himself if he relapses a time or two more.

So, what did I think about Friends, Lovers, and the Big Terrible Thing?

I’ve been a big fan of Perry’s since Friends (I can point to the joke that made me one)—I’ve seen almost everything he’s done (sometimes not because of him, but I appreciated his involvement). But I put this book under the category of “will get around to eventually, maybe.” Until I saw people reacting to how much of the focus of the book is on the Big Terrible Thing. And that piqued my interest.

That sounds ghoulish, I realize, but hearing a well-documented addict talking about their struggles is something that I appreciate. It helps me empathize with those I know fighting that fight, and I hope, helps me understand and appreciate their struggles.

Perry’s clear that he’s been given every opportunity, tool, and help to get sober and to maintain that sobriety. And he’s squandered almost every one of them. And it has yet to work. The amounts he takes on a regular basis when he uses is…it’s a shocking amount—and only someone as wealthy as he is could pull it off.

At the same time, there’s a glimmer of hope. A faint glimmer, sure. But there is one—and if someone whose rock bottom is as low as Perry’s was can maybe make it—there’s hope for others, too. And that’s the big thing I took away—there’s hope. Hope for other addicts, hope for Perry.

I thought this was a riveting and disturbing read—made tolerable by Perry’s off-kilter and somewhat humorous telling of the stories. It’s not like most celebrity memoirs I’ve read (but I don’t think it’s that ground-breaking)—but definitely worth the time.

As an ardent Friends fan, my anticipation was palpable when I decided to give this a try. However, as I reached the end, all I wished for was to reclaim the six hours I had spent listening to it. In the grand scheme of things, the disjointed timeline in this book didn't particularly bother me, although I can imagine that a chronological order would have made it a more enjoyable read. However, given the content and tone, “enjoyable” isn't the first word that comes to mind when describing this book.

The book appears to suffer from poor editing and doesn't portray Matthew Perry in a very positive light. His journey through addiction is depicted with honesty, rawness, and a painful intensity that makes it difficult to listen to or read. I do give him credit for putting it all out there, and I sincerely hope it serves as a form of healing for him. Nonetheless, it's clear that he is battling dopamine addiction, and there's a suspicion that the primary purpose of this book might be to feed off the attention he's currently receiving. Once the initial surge of attention from the book release subsides, there's a concern that he might seek another form of high and potentially relapse.

Throughout the book, there are noticeable inconsistencies in his story and journey. For instance, he initially states that he has all his necessary supplies, including cigarettes, but later devotes an entire chapter to quitting smoking. Furthermore, he has publicly claimed to be “pretty much sober since 2001,” except for the 64 relapses, which feels like an unnecessary and potentially misleading assertion.

One of the most challenging aspects of the book is the impression that he hasn't truly grasped the lessons life has to offer. Reading this book made me reflect on the developmental damage caused by adolescent alcoholism to the brain. It appears that Matthew Perry may not have developed the critical thinking, coping skills, and empathy necessary to navigate adulthood effectively.

Considering his 30 years in therapy and attendance at 6000 AA meetings, his lack of insight and self-awareness is surprising. Overall, he comes across as a self-absorbed individual with limited empathy for those around him. While he claims to want his story to help and inspire others, the book doesn't convey a strong sense of altruism or philanthropy.

Another aspect that left a sour taste was his portrayal of his father's journey to sobriety. He suggests that his dad simply stopped drinking one day and didn't require $7 million worth of treatment, highlighting that his father doesn't have that kind of money. Given Matthew Perry's substantial wealth, one would hope he'd support a family member in need, but this unnecessary dig at his father suggests otherwise.

Finally, his description of his treatment of women in his life was off-putting. While not abusive, it paints a picture of him using and easily discarding them. It raises questions about what he brings to a relationship beyond being Matthew Perry, hinting at struggles in forming meaningful connections, which is truly disheartening.

In conclusion, this book left me with the impression that Matthew Perry might be an enjoyable person to hang out with but lacks depth and substance. It's also worth noting that even during his battle with deep addiction, he remained on the shortlist for guest spots on high-profile shows and was able to initiate projects, suggesting he's likely easy to work with. However, it's unfortunate that this book significantly diminished my opinion of this performer

Eu conheci o Chandler bem antes de “conhecer” o Mathew. E, até hoje não sei porque, não gostei à primeira vista. Todo o conceito de Friend não me chamava a atenção. Achava o Ross um machista tolo demais; Joey, demasiadamente burro; Monica, perfeccionista demais; Phoebe, perdidamente exotérica; Rachel, tão rasa quanto uma poça; e o Chandler... Era tão estranho. Vi a primeira temporada me esforçando há uns 4-5 anos atrás pela primeira vez. Detestei. Muito fofo. E irritante na maioria das vezes.
E, no ano passado, depois de anos na disputa de HIMYM > Friends, uma amiga me convenceu a assistir novamente... Não teria paciência pra reiniciar, então, parti da segunda temporada. E eu deveria ter começado desde a primeira. Alguma coisa mudou no jeito que eu assisti. Ria facilmente, achava os personagens tão distintos entre si e justamente o mais peculiar deles foi com que eu mais me identifiquei.
Ano passado, enquanto o Matthew Perry ainda estava vivo, a mesma amiga comentou sobre “aquela coisa terrível”. Criei certa afeição maior por causa disso e depois de ler o livro isso só aumentou.
Há tanto de Chandler no Matthew que é quase impossível distingui-los. A principal diferença se encontra que Chandler conquistou as coisas que Matthew sempre quis. E isso é mencionado diversas vezes durante o livro, com sarcasmos e piadas a soltas para tentarem aliviar o clima. Chorei em alguns trechos, mas, felizmente, ri muito mais. A sessão de fotos com os comentários dele é incrível. As diversas referências a cultura pop deixam qualquer nerd se identificar fácil.
É impossível depois de terminar a leitura e assistir a Friends sem notar no peso ou na presença do cavanhaque, tentando adivinhar o que estava se passando com o Matthew durante as gravações.
Sem mais enrolações, é um excelente livro. Recomendaria até mesmo para quem não é fã de Friends. Principalmente, por abordar como a dependência química é uma questão de saúde pública e não uma mera escolha individual. Para finalizar de um jeito que só Matthew/Chandler faria:

“Um dia talvez você também receba o chamado para fazer algo importante, então se prepare.
E, quando isso acontecer, pense: O que o Batman faria? E faça.”

I debated for some time whether i would rate this memoir at all as it almost seems wrong to rate Matty's raw and honest self reflection on his terrible struggle with addiction. This story itself gains 5 stars from me. However, i am dropping a star due to the at times repetitive and confusing formatting of this novel. This is more a critique to the editor I suppose. The interludes often had me unable to follow the timeline and i found that difficult to overcome leading me to take a little more time to get through this. Nonetheless a heartbreaking and powerful read.

I can't say that I feel like I know much more about Matthew Perry after reading his memoir, than I did before reading it.

The basics: He made millions of dollars doing Friends, tried to turn that success into a movie career, all while being drug-addled, feeling inadequate, and self-sabotaging his relationships.

The cycle of addiction/detox/pain management recurring throughout this memoir, along with some jumping in the timeline, made it difficult for me to keep straight what events happened and when they were taking place. The haziness may be apropos, given the stupor Perry seems to permanently exist within; the writing ebbs and flows between precision and vagueness, and never lands in a comfortable middleground for any extended amount of time. This strange cadence expresses itself in the way Perry presents certain individuals on the page. For example, names range from what feels like very formal first-and-last-name mentions (“Jamie Tarses”), to the cloak-and-daggers never-identified-in-the-book “woman I dated for six years” (Google will tell you this is most likely Lizzie Caplan); only a few people receive the typical first-name-only treatment. That, along with Perry's use of the term “geographic” (What does he mean? Who told him he could use that word in that way?) throughout, is a little jarring

Perry talks about the movie “Groundhog Day” and that's kind of what his book feels like: another chapter, another time he almost succumbed to and lost everything to his addiction. The book itself is quite dreary; there's not a whole lot of uplifting, positive experiences showcased here, which is fine (not everyone's life is golden). I guess I just thought there might be something more. 

I'm still a Matthew Perry fan; I hope he finds solace/hope/happiness; I hope his book was cathartic for him, even if it was a bit of a downer for me.

Matthew Perry has always been one of my most favourite actors. His character on Friends, Chandler always drew me to him with his ability to make a joke out of everything, including his trauma. Reading this memoir showed me that Matthew is just like Chandler in that regard and it felt so refreshing and real to read.

“Addiction is like the Joker. It just wants to see the whole world burn.”

This was heartbreaking to read but as someone who has struggled with addiction, this meant something very special to me. I am so proud of how far Matthew has come.

I wasn't sure about reading this since he passed away but I found it a really good read. The fact that he narrates it as well that was a clincher. He tells his story never really blaming anyone but himself and why he could not stop doing the drugs or alcohol. But really put the emphasis on the damage it does to the body. He was very frank about many things that I didn't expect

“I said, ‘It doesnt do what we all thought it would. It doesn't fix anything.” What a sobering thought for a 26 year old who only ever wanted fame and had just realized that fame hadn't filled the holes at all. What had filled the holes was vodka. I don't think he believed me - I still don't think he believes me. I think you actually have to have all your dreams come true to realize they're the wrong dreams.”

I was struggling to rate this as four or five stars, so it comes down at a 4.5 or 9/10. This was a very honest, introspective memoir about addiction and fame and how the things you thought you wanted might not be what you actually wanted. I also thought Perry was hilarious, but I knew that already (especially in the audiobook, with his usual cadence). The stuff he went through with addiction is portrayed quite vividly, and Perry does not come out looking good for most of it. But he really does engage with his behavior and the depths of his addiction. At one point, he says he had a dichotomy where he didn't want to die, but wouldn't stop doing drugs even if he knew that dose might kill him. He just couldn't stop.

I don't think our society treats addiction the way it should, and I really don't like when people get all self righteous about celebrities who have addiction issues. Being rich doesn't suddenly make your demons go away or fix your self worth.

I think this memoir is a lesson in empathy for the struggle many go through, and how fame is not the boon we necessarily assume it is.

I did wish for more stuff on Friends, but eh. Also - those Keanu Reeves jokes were WEIRD, man. Not sure what he was thinking there.

Ignore the fact that this book is Matthew Perry's memoir. Look at it as an addict sharing the deep, down and dirty of being an addict. Read it with the intent to learn what it is like to live with the disease. Perry does a great job sharing the inner workings of the mind of an addict. This is a very eye-opening book, or it was for me anyway.

I read a review that slammed the book for the author being whiny and “poor pitiful me”. Accusing him of playing the “it's not easy being rich” card. And, while I do not agree that this is what he was doing I can see where someone might think this. To this I repeat my sentiment above. Go into this book as a way to see into the mind, heart and life of an addict.

Perry is very open about what was going through his mind while fighting the Big Terrible Thing. He is really sharing his story to give us an insight and hopefully and understanding of an addict's life. I really do believe he has written this book to help not only other addicts but really to help us be more patient and empathetic toward our own loved ones fighting this disease. Maybe, give us some tips to help our loved ones navigate the mine field they travel through daily just to survive.

Bonus, you are hearing it from one of this country's most beloved “Characters”. My only reason for not giving 5 stars is that Perry jumps from reminiscing about 2006 and then suddenly he's talking about 1999 and you don't really know that unless you are like me and keeping tabs on what happened when or he mentions the year. Other than this I think this book was great and I now have a deeper understanding and empathy for addicts.

На 80% жизнь Мэттью Перри состояла из алкоголя, опиатов и сигарет. Формально это автобиография, но история очень грустная, потому что в основном там про его борьбу с зависимостью. Будут истории про Друзей, фильмы и его женщин, но книга явно не об этом. Для меня это было неожиданностью. Хотя Перри часто иронизирует в своем стиле, но вообще это удивительно сколько сил, времени и денег можно потратить на то, чтобы слезть с наркотиков и все равно не выиграть.

Рекомендую книгу к прочтению всем, потому что история Мэттью Перри покажет вам сложную сторону этой проблемы. Лучшее понимание людей с зависимостью позволит вам быть более эмпатичными и не делать поспешных выводов.

А человека очень жаль. Понятно, что таких как он сотни тысяч в мире, но обычно мы сочувствуем больше тем, кого лучше знаем.

Книга небольшая, легко читается, много думается после нее. При случае — попробуйте.

Een indrukwekkende weergave van een van de meest iconische personen uit de showbiz in de jaren ‘90 en ‘00. Het zoveelste gevecht tussen drank, drugs en somberheid. Ondanks zijn soms wet chaotische schrijfstijl lees het eenvoudig weg. Ik vond het wel soms wat moeilijk te volgen door het ontbreken van een duidelijke tijdlijn.

I hate myself for not reading this before Matthew Perry's passing. Friends has been a part of my life since I was a little kid and I've always been fond of Matthew Perry's humor, making Chandler my absolute favorite character on the show (and one of my favorite television characters in general). I was interested to know more about his life and his struggles with addiction and I regret that I put it off until after he was gone.    In the book, Matthew Perry discusses his childhood, career, and of course, some memories from his work on Friends, but the constant themes woven throughout the different times of his life are mental health struggles and his fight with addiction. The writing is witty (which is not surprising) but also personal and simply profound at times. It feels personal and authentic.    As for the structure of the book itself? It's rough. If it were anyone besides Matthew Perry, I would have been much more persnickety. Given the content of the book though and what his body and mind have been through, it added to what was being said in a way.I'll take an unpolished and personable over robotic and people-pleasing.    My heart absolutely breaks for him and all that he went through. Even though he is no longer with us, it was still inspiring to read, and I hoped when he passed that he was not in pain. Maybe my rating is biased but I don't particularly care if it is. I'm confident that my reaction to the book would have been the same if I had read it when it came out aside from the obvious mentions of mortality. 

Wow. What an interesting, fun and yet devastating look into Matthew's life and the endless cycle of addiction.

The book started relatively light, despite discussing his abandonment and the initial factor leading to his addiction. As it progressed, I enjoyed peeking into Matthew's life and what actors go through, particularly in their teens. I kept internally screaming at his parents to take better care of him!

As the narrative goes into his numerous love experiences and straight-up fuckups, I found myself continuously rooting for him. However, I also started noticing the book feeling very repetitive. It seemed like he kept saying the same thing: there was a love opportunity, he screwed up, he relapsed and back to rehab... dozens of times. But isn't that just the perfect way to get us to experience on a much smaller scale the frustratingly repetitive process he went through? It's heartbreaking learning how lonely and out of control he felt. It's crazy to think of Chandler Bing and know that in between takes or episodes, he was in rehab, crying or struggling to keep it together.

Reading this now, knowing of his death, made the ending all the more poignant. The hopeful tone with which he concluded the book was heart-wrenching, particularly when he talks about how much he still has left to do

This was incredible. It took me a long time to read this, as I am a huge fan of Friends and was sad to hear of his passing. I'm glad that I finally did. There's a lot that anyone can get out of this book. Life lessons, jokes, a good story, whatever. It's just an important read for anyone in my opinion

BAP Score: 93.00